In our new feature A Week Of It, a Spinoff writer watches a show every day for a week and reports back with their findings. This week, Alex Casey watches a week of The 4.30 Show to find out what the cool teens of New Zealand are up to.
Despite the amount of people telling me that I look 12, and the fact that I get I.D.’d trying to buy ginger beer, I’m not actually a teenager anymore. It’s a sad fact, and one that has been severely hammered home after a week of watching the youth-oriented, snapchat-centric mayhem that is TV2’s The 4.30 Show. I feel like Christopher Lloyd in My Favourite Martian, desperately trying to fit in with this society despite wearing a big ol’ silver spacesuit. Here are my thoughts and feelings from throughout the week.
Monday
We are joined on the couch by hosts Adam and Eve. Wait, where is the separation between Church and State here?! What’s next? What Now hosted by Mary and Joseph?! Crazy world. Adam speaks a little Maori, and Eve says that she finds it attractive. Are these actually two together? Is The 4.30 Show a modern day Garden of Eden? The camera being the snake observer, tempting these two into each other’s arms with the sinful apple of fame?! I don’t want mankind to be condemned forever all over again guys, come on.
Time for a segment called ‘Hundy on a Mundy’, where schoolkids are coerced into doing unpleasant things for mystery prizes, a concept which looks very bad on paper. This time around, a young girl is asked to eat sardines and drink milk from a cat bowl for 100 units of a yet-to-be-disclosed product. “Can I use my hands?” she asks. “Do cats have opposable thumbs?” Eve replies. A tough taskmaster for sure. The girl puts a collar on and starts chomping away at the sick sardines on the pavement. Jake the production assistant throws up behind some bushes. This is bloody raw, like Jackass except I’m not laughing raucously. She wins 100 boxes of microwave popcorn.
Back to what definitely could have been called ‘The Shipping News’, and the hosts are discussing who viewers would like to see shipped together. YouTubers Tyler Oakley and Troye Svvan? Two codgers from bad show Arrow? What’s going with teenagers? Admittedly I know who those first two are, but Arrow?! ARROW?! Might as well have chosen Agnis and Quoyle from The Shipping News. Argh! Do cool teens know about The Shipping News?! What is a teen?! What am I?!
A snapchat interview with ZM’s Fletch, Vaughan and Megan yields some unwanted intel: Megan once pooped herself whilst rollerblading – but I’m more concerned with this young lassies existential snapchat-based strife:
The pair end with a joke kiss, teasing viewers who have “shipped” them together. I put the image into fullscreen to see if their lips actually touch, then question everything I’ve done in my life to get me to this exact point. Like the Snapchat Socrates said: ‘What is Life’. Indeed.
Tuesday
Today’s episode opens with a mock soap scene, full of Spanish accents, soft focus, and fake crying. For a live skit, it’s very well done. We are celebrating soap operas today, “the great soapfest” says Eve. Adam looks at her suggestively. I’m very much looking forward to people calling in about their favourite soap opera, Arrow.
Eve jumps on Skype with a famous YouTube nail artist. The future is here, the future is Skype. And YouTube. And coffin-shaped nails, apparently. Everyone says “fleek” a few times, and I wonder deeply about what “negative space” nail art could possibly mean. Is that like when you bite small chunks off? Hard to know. Nail chunks on fleek? Maybe not.
A Kiwi Fern, Maitua, kidnaps a girl from her family home to teach her a set of important rugby drills. Meanwhile, Eve Skypes her sister Grace Palmer, aka Lucy on Shortland Street. It is soap day after all. What a talented family! Full disclosure here, I worked with Eve when she was at acting school and she is also very, very good at doing the acting.
The best take-away from this chat is that the Shortland Street actors always have to hold their ‘looking into the distance’ face in their final scenes for an excruciatingly long time. Grace likes to think to herself “have I left the iron on?” whilst shooting. A great piece of goss.
Wednesday
We are talking wardrobe malfunctions today! Adam shares an instagram of when he split his tight chinos. I note that none of this would look out of place on Seven Sharp, and recall the episode where Hosko revelled in his skinny jean dilemmas for about 10 minutes a few weeks ago.
There’s a special guest today, it’s only award-winning comedian and Spinoff contributor Hamish Parkinson!!! He’s immediately asked to draw some things for the hosts, the first being his favourite movie. WHAT’S EATING GILBERT GRAPE?! Eve yells as the pen touches the paper. Wrong, it’s Dumb and Dumber. Obviously. Never mind that bear/woman hybrid lurking in the background, I’m sure that’s fine.
Onto a hilarious, cross media section called Snackchat. In this, Hamish must make a meal inside the Snapchat time limit. What is it again – is it 30 seconds? 10? One? Life is moving too fast these days. He whips together an ambrosia that could outshine most desserts on Come Dine With Me.
I’m floored by a section of meditation on relaxation, wherein Adam and Eve talk about how to clear your mind, share your feelings and take time out to do nothing. Dammit teens, I wish I had these sensible larrikins leading me through my afternoon. I spent most of my time in high school being highly stressed about making Static Images and eating a lot of discounted teriyaki chicken on K’Rd.
Thursday
“Welcome to the wonderful world of genetics” says Eve, introducing today’s sophisticated science topic. So we’ve had relaxation, genetics, soap operas and shipping this week – talk about a bloody diverse timetable. “All I got from genetics was acne and a monobrow” says Eve’s notably beautiful face. “My eyes bleed in salt water,” says Adam, possibly unrelated.
In our second comedian guest of the week, we spend some time with award-winning comedian and Spinoff contributor Melanie Bracewell. Man, you really can’t go anywhere these days. She has some sage Aaliyah-style advice for young comedians to “try and try again”. It’s very cool to have a male and a female comedian back-to-back in one week, I envy these relaxed teens at home sipping on ambrosia and casually considering a career in stand-up comedy.
Apparently the good teen fashion at the moment is “sports casual”, which I think is my look when I run into the supermarket after social netball and do a pratfall in my own sweat. Sweatpants are fine to wear these days – encouraged even. “And you don’t have to shave your legs, ladies.” Dammit Eve, where was this advice when I was hurriedly slicing the backs of my knees on a razor from the ages of 13-16?
But it’s not all about the teen sheilas, the teen blokes have to keep their look slick as well. Brock, a young chap peddling luxury pomade, is here to teach us about “steez”. I know this is a word, but I’ve never been sure of what it means. “Style with ease” Adam explains. I file it away next to ‘fleek’ in my ‘Never Use This’ folder.
There’s a brief Skype with Kim Crossman, and I realise it’s taken us all the way till Thursday to get some of the KC action. She’s talking about confidence, and believing in yourself from within. I’m still thinking about how Eve basically said earlier that I never have to shave my legs again. What a hall pass! File any complaints in future to TV2 c/o The 4.30 Show!
Friday
We are live from Rangitoto College this afternoon, meeting some delightful students including a drama senior who does a ‘Heath Ledger as the Joker’ impression. Say no more.
A student goes up against a teacher in a quiz that seems to mostly be based around how tall Lorde is. The teacher wins a big watch. The Rangitoto football team get interviewed about their wild successes, and vox pops reveal just how great their school is. There’s pies (classic) and sushi (wtf) in the cafeteria, for example.
I know how awesome this lot must all be feeling right now. Having a camera crew in your high school for a whole afternoon is nothing short of incredible. I remember when Sticky TV came to my school, and I stood on my tip toes to get a sighting of Julia and whatshisname. That was back in the in the poop quiz days of course. How the times have changed. There has not been an utter of poop all week aside from ZM’s Mad Megan. PC gone mad.
What did I learn about being a cool teen this week? I learnt that not shaving legs is good, doing nothing is important, Snapchat is the only way to communicate, sweatpants are fine to wear all the time, and that you can make ambrosia in under ten seconds. Oh, and people freely talk about pomade. Pomade banter is on fleek. Basically, I’m set up for the rest of my life. Thank you to Adam and Eve, you truly have created paradise on Earth.
The 4.30 Show airs weekdays on TV2 at a time that I’m sure you can figure out
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