Hello Caller: One brave woman shares her real-life Tinder nightmare

This week, a special reader’s response on dealing with dating bullshit, and Ms X annotates a genuine Tinder conversation that quickly goes south.

Hello Callers,

Last week we ran a poignant letter from ‘Yoko Boleyn’ who has been having issues with a young man who seems unable to GTFU (Grow the Fuck Up – itʼs in the latest DSM as a diagnosable condition, I swear).

We also discussed Yoko’s discomfort with dating and I asked Hello Caller readers to let us know how they are faring in dating land.

I love our readers because look! ‘Linda’ has written Yoko (and all of us) a very thoughtful response and during the week she also shared a conversation she had with a recent Tinder match.

Lindaʼs sage advice from the dating front lines is below; we’ve also given her Tinder conversation a special therapeutic intervention where I try to indicate the places he should GTFU (my expert comments are in green).

I have no desire to shame the man in question (OK, I do just a little bit, but I wonʼt). Instead think of it as an encouragement to anyone who communicates with strangers online – whether in the hope of having a cup of tea together or to, you know, fuck – to pause and have a wee think before they lose their shit via instant messaging.

The main point is that good manners are so sexy. I canʼt even begin to tell you the unimaginable erotic heights you can achieve by just listening and being thoughtful in your Tinder responses.

Trust me. Iʼm old and I have seen too much.

When you are talking to a complete stranger with whom you may possibly insert/rub your genitals against just try and be nice. And, conversely, if they creep you out then make your apologies and depart the conversation. Do the opposite of what the guy below did with Linda.

We have changed his identity, actually we have changed his species as well. For the purposes of this exercise, he will be known as Guilty Denver (you can find out why here).

Ms X

Dear Ms X and Yoko Boleyn

Like Yoko, I’m dating but I’m a bit older (30). It also fills me with anxiety. The way I deal with it is I have a good group of women friends who I send screenshots of some of the bullshit interactions I have with allegedly adult men. Because the childish shit happens sometimes three times a week.

I have a no-bullshit strategy now. If they are disrespectful they get told off, firmly and politely (or rudely, depending on their tone). If they can handle the honesty and apologise then occasionally they’re worth investing time in. Most of the time they devolve into being small children and throw a tantrum.

That gives me a pretty clear picture of how they interact with women on a regular basis and how they would be in a relationship.

If they can’t deal with me asserting that I am uncomfortable with something or don’t appreciate their comments about my appearance, they are not going to be OK as a long term partner.

Seriously, why do guys think it’s OK say “you’re hot” as their first message to a complete stranger? It’s like an Internet cat call.

I find it helpful to read other women’s interactions on Tinder or OK Cupid – there are heaps of blogs around that collate terrible online dating interactions. But sharing my experiences with my girlfriends means we have a laugh and I don’t end up feeling so fucking alone about it!

My favorite one of recent times is a chap who advertised himself as “Fully evolved adult male – polite and thoughtful”. It gave me and my gfs a laugh and it might give Yoko one too. Please find attached.

Linda of Aragon

Hello Caller LINDA DENVER CHAT

Got a question for Ms. X? Send an email to hellocaller@thespinoff.co.nz, ideally including key information such as your age and gender.

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Need help now?

Lifeline 0800 543 354

Youthline 0800 376 633

OUTline (LGBT helpline) 0800 688 5463

More helplines can be found at the Mental Health Foundation’s directory. For a list of Māori mental health services, click here.

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