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Hello Caller: Getting burnt on Tinder? Join the club

Racists, body shamers and wannabe pickup artists: This week, Ms. X shares some terrible Tinder profiles supplied by you, her readers.

Hello Callers,

Cast your minds back a few weeks, when I butted into a Tinder conversation between reader ‘Linda’ and a gentleman whom I christened, for admittedly obscure reasons, ‘Guilty Denver’. Seemingly inspired by that intervention, a few of you have gotten in touch with some more dispatches from Planet Tinder.

And I’ve gotta say, it’s a bit grim. If anyone has a great – or even somewhat okay – online dating story to share, please do so with extreme urgency. Because I’m worried for the young (and not so young) single folk of this great nation. How on earth are you finding each other? After reading these profiles I don’t know.

This week I am sharing a few of them as part of our ongoing “How not to behave online” community change endeavour. These are almost perfect examples of how not to construct a dating profile.

As usual we have changed identities to protect the racists innocent.

Let’s start with “Darren, 31”.

Tinder Darren

Oh Darren. Where do I start? “There are no fat studs,” you say, with supremely misguided confidence. In response, can I just point readers to a photo gallery of Shane Warne from 1996 – 2005 and not get sued? Cos that is my answer, Darren. Pre-Liz Hurley Shane Warne.

This next one is good. And by good I mean terrible. Meet openly racist body shamer, Desmond. Think of him as a kind of Tinder box jellyfish, or a great white shark that has been on a fast and is now extremely hangry. There you are, swimming through the internet one day, and you feel something and think “Oh haha it’s probably a plastic bag strangling an endangered sea turtle or something” but then you look down and “AH NO, IT”S DESMOND”.

Tinder Desmond

Are you Desmond? Are you really human? Because right now you are giving off some heavy-duty Trump Twitter Troll bot vibes, the non humankind vibes.

And look, I am torn by this kind of brutal honesty. Because while it is appalling to know that Desmond and his ilk exist, imagine if he had lied on his profile and you actually went on a coffee date with him. Imagine you had ironed a shirt/frock/whatever and brushed your hair/teeth/whatever and bought a cappuccino and found yourself seated opposite Desmond as he breathed onto you and said “I’m only human” etc and asked you what your exact cultural heritage was…

Okay. Time for a palate cleanser. Let me introduce you to Robbie (32) who is basically like Mr Darcy on a horse after those two.

Tinder Robbie

See, after Desmond and Darren it’s like being caught in a flurry of cherry blossom with Alexander Skarsgård while his shirt is in the dryer at the magical castle where you’ll live after the two of you are married.

Robbie/ Mr Darcy, due to the current company, you shall get a pass.

Next week (brace yourselves) I will be staging an intervention on some Tinder conversations supplied by you, dear readers. I realise that all our profiles so far have been men, but I know that things can be just as grim on the other side. If any chaps or women dating women would like to supply us with profiles or conversations – or a front line online dating report like those from Linda and Yoko – please get in touch. Anonymity for both parties is guaranteed – even if, like Desmond, they in no way deserve it.

Ms. X

Got a question for Ms. X? Send an email to hellocaller@thespinoff.co.nz, ideally including key information such as your age and gender.

All messages will be kept in the strictest confidence and your name will not be published. If you wish to remain completely anonymous, consider using a free remailer service like Send Email.

Need help now?

Lifeline 0800 543 354

Youthline 0800 376 633

OUTline (LGBT helpline) 0800 688 5463

More helplines can be found at the Mental Health Foundation’s directory. For a list of Māori mental health services, click here.

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