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Music Monday: Excessive Analysis of X Factor NZ’s New Promo

Last week TV3 premiered the first X-Factor 2015 promo to feature its full lineup of judges. The concept is basically ‘the end of the judges’ commute to work, and then them walking a bit’. Here is the clip.

Here are a few takeaways from this piece of promotional footage.

1. Willy Moon is a big Willy Moon Fan and potentially a climate change denier

The scene opens in atmospheric silence, but as soon as Willy opens the door of the ol’ Vantage, his single ‘Railroad Track’ starts playing from within. He’s been bumping his own first album to get him in the zone! Strong, self-confident move Willy, well done. Shockingly though, despite his song’s romanticisation of traintracks, he and Natalia not only shunned public transport, but they couldn’t even carpool from their shared marital home! Jerome Kaino is going to be mad as hell.

2. Stan Walker has been watching The Matrix

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3. Natalia Kills is immune to helmet hair

Everyone who has ever driven a motorcycle knows that when you take your helmet off you look exactly like Robin Lopez. Hence you can’t take motorcycles on dates or to promo shoots. Not Natalia Kills, though.

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This already very mysterious woman – latest admission: attempted murder-suicide – grows more mysterious by the day.

4. The X-Factor Staff Carpark is Very Dangerous

The many florescent bulbs look like they were installed by Daniel Bedingfield at the bad end of a bender, and somehow provide zero illumination. Worse, everyone wears black, it’s filled with smoke (exhaust fumes?) and no one drives with their lights on. OSH are going to completely lose their shit.

5. You can judge a judge by their ride

Extrapolating judge’s salaries from the cars they pretend to drive in promos is always a dangerous game, but I’ve been playing it a long time and am pretty confident in my abilities. I have Mel as the poshest judge. She’s pretend-driving a Porsche 911, which start at NZ$199,500.

Next up is – shockingly – Big Willy Moon, in some sort of Aston Martin, probably a V8 Vantage. They’re NZ$197,000 according to reliable information source TradeMe, so pretty close to Mel’s fanciness. Still – a massive surprise, as only Willy Moon and Willy Moon’s family know for sure who Willy Moon is at this point. To middle New Zealand he’ll remain ‘white man with a haircut’ until the season starts proper.

Stan takes third spot in another coupe – I think maybe boyracer classic, the Nissan GT-R? The only solid identifying feature (the entire clip is pitch black, remember) is a distinctive air inlet next to the front door. They’re only a pathetic NZ$191,000! If my research is correct (and you can’t argue with science), that’s a pretty massive insult, given that the VNZMAs proved Stan is officially more popular than Lorde.

Natalia Kills, meanwhile, has a goddamn motorbike. That is a huge tell about her salary, because the most you can pay for motorbike is like $40,000. I guess the alternative was have her drive a Kia or something? You almost get the vibe that she was a throw in, two-for-the-price-of-one salary-match on the Willy Moon deal.

Anyway – lots of great factual information from those dark sexy cars, and indeed this post. Watch for incomprehensible amounts of X-Factor coverage on the Spinoff in the weeks and months to come.

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