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MKR Episode Four: Cacao, I Am Your Father

This episode welcomed us into the chilly Dunedin love-nest of newlyweds Christie and Dan. Their background introduction video showed long-haired Dan playing in his band, and doting Christie watching from behind the amps. The duo seem to enjoy chilling out with beanie-wearing friends at home, and just generally being young and in love. Although there were hints of more interesting qualities (Dan’s cool hair and Christie’s cool accent), it’s quite damning that their defining characteristic was purely the fact that they got married not that long ago.

Dan confronted by NSFW pig nudity

Dan confronted by NSFW pig nudity

After a crawl through the snow to the supermarket, the pair make it back safely to kitchen of their “Bex Mex” instant restaurant. In the raciest shot of the show so far, Dan rolled out the pig belly to reveal a glorious row of pig nipples. Talking of boobs, Tracey (the Beauty) made a bold costume choice for this ep in a very tight silky black bustier. This was undoubtedly the most sensual episode yet.

Their first course was a snapper ceviché, which came dressed with various pronounciations. Gareth says seh-vish, Belinda says che-vish, Dan says se-vee-chay. To settle all arguments, please see this video. One contestant upset nuptials by calling the ceviché “trailer trash food”. An outrageous claim – ceviché is famously the fancy food that your fancy friend gets at the mexican restaurant whilst you order a large plate of meat nachos with extra meat. The main course of X-rated pork belly received mixed reviews. Ben said his was overcooked, Gareth said his was undercooked. Either someone is telling porkies, or they made uneven sized cuts.

Don't have a cacao, man.

Don’t have a cacao, man.

The dessert of chili chocolate pie brought out Neena’s heavy breathing “Darth Vader” rage, accurately imitated later by resident pranksters Tracey and Neil. Steamed at the lack of richness in the chocolate filling, Neena suggested that they should have used cacao instead. For those who don’t know, cacao is basically cocoa for rich psychopaths. She then went on to say cacao more times than in a Portlandia sketch (NSFW). The pie base was also slain for being made out of Krispie biscuits, which seemed a snobby and damn-near unpatriotic critique from the teams. At the end of the night, the Newlyweds scored 64 points. What a cacao-phony.

Buzzword of the ep: tie between ceviché and cacao
Bogan burps: 4, potentially more lost in the edit
Prop of the ep: row of pig nipples
Screengrab of the ep: Hilarious imitation of Neena/Darth Vader during cacao-gate
Screen Shot 2014-09-03 at 10.50.24 AM

Watch My Kitchen Rules on TVNZ Ondemand here