Tara Ward ranks her favourite moments from the past week of Ferndale hijinks. This week: Nicole and Vinnie tie the knot, Leanne seeks refuge in a toilet and TK’s thumb gives Daniel Day-Lewis a run for his money.
1) Vinnie and Nicole drop anchor in a surprise sea of love
Big things were happening in Nicole and Vinnie’s house this week. Balloons! Bubbles! Babies! Bad flower arrangements!
There’s nothing like a beautiful wedding, as Nicole and Vinnie pledge their eternal love for each other in front of the fairy lights pinched from The Bachelor NZ mansion.
The revelation of Nicole and Vinnie’s surprise wedding was big news worldwide. Not only did Nicole live tweet the event, but both Dame Judi Dench and Salman Rushie were in attendance.
And I’m loving the bespoke flower headpiece on this wee poppet – whoever the heck she is.
2) TK’s thumb gives the performance of a lifetime
“You care too much, and look where it got you,” says Little Miss Sunshine Kylie after TK suffers a brutal attack to the left elbow by a bristly drug addict.
Ben Mitchell proves that having a bung arm only enhances a powerful actor. In fact, his performance is on par with Daniel Day Lewis in My Left Foot. Just with one right thumb. Below, the thumb gives us a mesmerizing insight into the surprise and joy that TK feels at discovering his friends are getting married.
While here, the thumb confidently assures Vinnie (and thus, the anxious viewer) that, despite appearances, TK feels fine. So committed. So dedicated to his job. TK is a champion.
3) Leanne takes her Mother-in-Law duties very seriously
Leanne is an emotional pressure cooker about to blow and drench reception in a sticky coating of gloom and self indulgence.
Nicole’s admission of her wedding plans adds more salt to Leanne’s festering wound of misery. Rather than stay and celebrate, Leanne retreats to the scenic vista of the International Airport first floor toilets. Peak passive aggressive, Leanne.
Luckily Harper the superhero talks the grumpy granny down from the edge of the cistern.
Whether it was the romance, the fairy lights or the airplane fumes – Leanne decides to return to Ferndale. She even volunteers to clean up while Nicole and Vinnie “enjoy their wedding night”. Now that’s a Mother-in-law we’d all love, right?
4) Curtis finds himself in an arresting situation
“Curtis is such a dick,” said Dayna. “You were a dick,” Lucy tells Curtis. We’re all in consensus then, but is that really the worst insult that the writers can come up with?
Dick or not, Lucy was happy to drive with Curtis to Pash Point to enjoy the view. Their sightseeing festivities are interrupted when the fun police arrive and discover a bounty of illegal drugs in Curtis’ new car.
It’s enough to make me want to throw a chair at Jimmy. Wait, Curtis already tried that.
“You seem a bit aggro and you’re sweaty,” Constable Keith tells Curtis. Steady on officer. I’m like that every morning during the school run, but I wasn’t aware that I was such a hardened criminal.
5) The Lift of Doom strikes again
This week’s hapless victims in the elevator of terror were Mo, TK and Vomiting Woman (best spewing impression this week, btw).
As the unlucky trio begin their perilous journey into the darkened bowels of the building, Vomiting Woman suddenly has a seizure and TK collapses with… well, the drama of it all.
Save yourself, Mo, before the lift gets you too!
6) Boyd busts Harper’s moves
Blimey, it was a week for telling secrets in Ferndale. After he sees Drew and Harper flirting, Boyd demands to know if he really does spin Harper’s wheels.
“I won’t be made a fool of!” Boyd splutters. Too late Boyd – we’ve already seen you dance.
Harper assures Boyd that there’s nothing going on. Apart from how she first met Drew at the rural pub, where they kissed. Oh, and that she finds Drew attractive. Also, she and Drew pashed last week in the Lift of Doom. But other than that, no need to worry.
“Boyd’s the one, I just don’t know how to make him believe it,” Harper wails to Nicole. How about you stop snogging other men, then?
7) Margaret keeps the economy turning
Margaret’s desperate to return to work, if only to stop watching daytime TV and spending Pixie’s koha fund on Bambillo Pillows.
Sadly, the Hannah family is falling apart. In a desperate attempt to protect her son from Mo’s wrath, Margaret tells Mo the truth: she’s the criminal, not Curtis.
The truth shocks Mo – almost as much as that time he saw Suzanne Paul put a raw egg under a Bambillo Pillow, throw a bowling ball on top and THE EGG DIDN’T EVEN BREAK.
8) Murray returns rested and resplendent
Murray’s back this week, as patronising as he is orange. Four weeks in a tropical paradise gave him a tan of Geordie Shore proportions and a chilled-out attitude towards all things IV.
He’s quick to knock back Dayna’s ‘risky’ business plan, which is a good move, Murray: securing a regular source of high-paying guests for your hotel sounds like the first step on the slippery slope to financial catastrophe.
“A smart girl like you? There’ll be other opportunities,” he tells Dayna, as the spray tan seeps its way into his frontal lobe. If Dayna ever needs investors – I’m in. If only to shut that smug orange bastard up.
The week ahead in Ferndale must surely be a dull one. No weddings, no secrets to be exposed, no celebrities to be seen – so where will the drama come from? Will Murray’s face turn from tangerine orange to a bronzed marmalade? Will Boyd ever dance again? And will Mo see sense and realize that an addiction to buying Bambillo Pillows is not necessarily a bad thing?
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