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The Tribe Has Spoken: Survivor San Juan Del Sur Episode 5

Survivor San Juan Del Sur Blood vs. Water 2 Power Rankings

14) Bald Jeremy

bald jeremy

Good look imho.

13) Survivor Copywriters Phoning it in

“Are you tired of the long trek to the arena?

Are you tired of battling loved ones?

Then get ready to get tired.

It’s time to go back to the arena

That’s the worst tree-mail I’ve ever heard.

12) Missy’s Tassled Bikini

tassle

Here she is picking one of the tassles out of her teeth. Baylor absolutely revolted.

11) Scab City

scabs

Survivor is truly a warzone tbh.

10) Speculating Around Jon’s Confessionals

So, I don’t like Jon’s chances very much. I reckon he’s been portrayed as a bit of a doofus. For that reason, I’m a little troubled by the ‘deep and meaningful’ confessionals he’s getting. This episode contained maybe the third or fourth reference to the fact his dad is dying of brain cancer, which is terrible obviously, but from a Survivor perspective, represents one of two things I reckon:

1) He could go deep into the game. Like real deep. Final four deep. That would make sense as they like to hint at these types of narratives early.

2) Jon is gonna quit the game. Here’s my prediction. Keep in mind that I haven’t read spoilers and this is probably a load of bullshit. I reckon Jaclyn’s gonna get booted. Maybe nek week? Who knows. I reckon it’ll leave Jonny a bit dark. So dark, in fact, that he starts to question whether he should still be in the game – especially given the fact he could/should be with his previously mentioned terminally ill father. So Jon quits. That’s my theory.

9) Rice Watch

rice watch

Funny how the two parents were basically acting like petulant children. Basically, Missy was going way overboard with the rice and giving Baylor second helpings and stuff, and Dale was just sitting off to the side quietly fuming. Then he went crazy and they had a big fight. It was super babyish. I don’t get how people can come on this show and not understand that fighting over something like rice distribution is 100% going to end up boding poorly for you.

8) Baylor

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kiss2

kiss3

Baylor has emerged as a great audience substitute. I like when she owned Jon and Jaclyn and I like every time she owns her Mom. I can easily imagine Baylor and Missy teaming up with Reed and Josh and working as a kind of couple-o-couples. Shouts to Baylor.

7) More of Alec’s Questionable Fashion Choices

alec shirt 

Backwards and inside-out!?

6) Keith Survivor Look #3

keith look

Wow. It doesn’t get much better than that. Keith has definitely taken pole postion at the season’s alpha-old man. Especially after Dale spat the dummy over the rice.

5) Josh and Reed Very Cute

josh reed cute

This was obviously cute and cool. It’s weird how Reed is basically getting zero screen time, whereas Josh has been well-established as a primary protagonist. I’mma put that down to Reed being bad talent or something. I like this pair and reckon they’re a serious threat.

4) Minstrel Mud Disaster!

Here’s how I reckon it should have gone down.

SURVIVOR ART DIRECTOR: Hey Jeff Probst, do you reckon this mud is too dark?

Jeff Probst: Too dark? Why would that be a problem?

mud5

SURVIVOR ART DIRECTOR: I dunno. Just seems a little… off. Like, we should think about it.

mud1

Jeff Probst: It’s fine.

mud2

SURVIVOR ART DIRECTOR: Are you sure it’s fine? I reckon we need a lighter shade of mud. Like a funny poo looking shade maybe?

mud3

SURVIVOR ART DIRECTOR: Jeff? We need to fix this mud.

mud4

SURVIVOR ART DIRECTOR: Jeff? I really think we need to fix the mud. Like really. This dude looks like fuckin’ Al Jolson, Jeff! I really think we should not use this mud.

But by then, Jeff is high in the sky riding on the exterior of a helicopter, doing lines of fresh Nicaraguan cocaine and yelling to the only gods he knows (the Survivor gods) about the value of flint and fishing gear. 

SCENE

3) Jeremy and Natalie

jeremy and natalie 

This is my favourite alliance of the season so far. I love the sass. I love the strategy. I LOOOOOVED “surround and drown” (that was certainly a kind of winner edit sound bite I reckon). Jeremy and Natalie rule.

2) Horny Old Jon

This is maybe the funniest thing in Survivor history.

LMFAO.

1) Proper Power Ranking of My Top 5 Survivors:

Here’s who I reckon could go all the way.

5) Keith (definitely not a winner but a quality goat to take to the final)

4) Natalie

3) Baylor

2) Josh

1) Jeremy

Episode Summed Up By My Brother:

tex

LMAO OTTER EYES!
Here are my top 5 potential Survivor Masties:
1) Brandon Hantz when he was going nuts on South Pacific and basically saying that all the women were satan’s implements.
2) Kenny the professional Super Smash Bros player from Gabon.
3) Richard Hatch. There’s no way big Hatch made in through a season intact! Even when he was voted out second on All Stars.

4) Boston Rob on Marquesas when we was young and absolutely horned up to the eyeballs.
5) Spencer from Cagayan. Seems pretty virile.

Final Thoughts

I’m not usually a fan of the tribe swap. I think it’s a pretty unfair twist that can fuck up the game for good players. On a Blood vs Water season however, I can see why the swap is necessary. I can’t really complain about the results either. It forced a bit of drama and kind of shook players into executing a bit of strategy. There was actually a lot to love in this ep. Especially Jon’s breaking the fourth wall and basically going full Michael Scott with the world’s most unspoken “that’s what she said.” I was pretty impressed that Baylor managed to turn Jon and Jaclyn around. I thought Jaclyn hated Baylor before that happened. Jeremy is really coming on as the season’s strongest player as far as I can tell. I loved the ego massage he pulled on Alec. Real good.

This season looks to get better and better as we approach the merge.

Lemme know who you reckon has the legs to go all the way in the comments below.

Watch Survivor San Juan Del Sur on FOUR Now