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The ‘Kiwimeter’ is nasty, divisive rubbish. Do you disagree, slightly agree, or strongly agree?

What kind of Kiwi are you? According to this noxious survey, you’re less of a patriot for being proud of Māori culture.

The Kiwimeter survey – as seen on TVNZ’s website and all over your Facebook feed – has grabbed the attention and opinions of the nation, not to mention its fair share of controversy.

The purpose of the survey is to answer that oft-asked question “what kind of Kiwi are you?” I didn’t know that there were specific categories but as soon as I discovered this, I became filled with self-doubt about my place in this great nation.

So I took the Kiwimeter survey this morning to see if I deserved to call myself a Kiwi, mate. The questions were in the form of statements to be slightly/somewhat/strongly agreed or disagreed with.

I strongly disagreed with both the wording and the intent of the statement “Māori should not receive any special treatment” while strongly agreeing with the statement “Māori culture is something that all New Zealanders can take pride in, no matter their background.” I strongly agreed with statements promoting immigration and redistribution of wealth. I answered strongly against religion in government and in favour of retaining other cultural beliefs while still fitting into the New Zealand culture and society. 

There were a disproportionate number of statements about sports. I somewhat agreed that “Sport is too much a part of New Zealand’s psyche.”

I said I was very proud of all our sporting, art, and scientific achievements. I said I was not so proud of our history, because you would be hard pressed to find a country with a history to be proud of.

The symbols I felt most represented New Zealand were the Silver Fern, the pounamu (green stone), and the haka. The symbols I felt least represented New Zealand were the Queen, the Union Jack, and beach holidays.

I voted for the current flag.

I received this result:

Globalist

I thought my answers would be pretty common. Turns out we Globalists only make up 7% of those surveyed. I considered my answers to be very supportive of New Zealand as a unique country and listed great pride in all aspects of our country (except its history) so the “least likely amongst New Zealanders to express a sense of nationalism” was a punch in the global gut. Interestingly, while I do support raising Māori culture to greater prominence, there was no question addressing that. I simply agreed with the statement “A history of discrimination has created conditions that make it difficult for Māori to be successful”.

“Māori culture plays an important role in Globalists’ understanding of New Zealand’s identity.”

If believing that our indigenous people are an important part of our country’s identity means that I’m a “Globalist”, I wondered, what does it take to be a Patriot?

So I took the survey again.

This time I answered opposite to all my original answers.

I answered strongly in favour of Māori receiving no special treatment and strongly disagreed that discrimination has made it difficult for Māori to be successful. I answered lukewarm on immigration, both disagreeing that it is a threat but agreeing that immigrants don’t try hard enough to fit into our society.

Any statement that mentioned the sporting culture in New Zealand, I answered strongly in favour of.

While I originally answered against religion in parliament, this time I strongly agreed with the statement “society would be better off if people were more religious.”

I showed moderate pride in all areas of New Zealand achievement and maximum pride in our history and “fair and equal treatment of all groups in society.”

The symbols I felt represented New Zealand the most were the Silver Fern and the All Blacks. The symbols I felt represented New Zealand the least were the pounamu and the great outdoors.

I voted for the new flag.

And here is my proud new result:

Patriot Patriot1

Hmmm. So that’s the key to the Kiwimeter survey. Pride in Pakeha culture seemingly makes me a Patriot while pride in Māori culture makes me a Globalist – and least likely to show national pride. I am only hoping that the 36% group of Patriots reflects the fact that those earning $100,000 a year and with an average age of 50 might be more likely to take this ridiculous survey than anyone else.

To top it off, the “next best fit” for a Patriot in this country is a Traditionalist. In fact, as illustrated in the worst graph I’ve ever seen and so will not provide here, Traditionalists and Patriots hold the same position on Māori, which is not a favourable one. To pull one quote from the description of a traditionalist:

“Traditionalists tend to believe that the contributions of Māori to New Zealand’s national identity are overstated, and prefer that religious and ethnic minorities integrate more deeply into mainstream Kiwi society.”

So I suppose I’m just fine with being a New Zealand globalist.

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