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The definitive history of Brian Tamaki’s horse-obsessed Twitter page

Brian Tamaki shocked the nation when he blamed this week’s devastating earthquakes on gays and murderers. Madeleine Chapman took a tour through his mind via his ridiculous Twitter page.

This week, Bishop Brian Tamaki of Destiny Church claimed in a sermon that earthquakes and other natural disasters are caused by sexual deviance, for example, homosexuality. Tamaki, a self-anointed prophet who often (and understandably) confuses himself with Jesus Christ, has made no efforts to retract or prove the claim. Besides being an incredibly dumb thing to say, it has forced the country to once again remember who Bishop (apparently) Brian Tamaki is and question why he is still a thing that exists in our collective consciousness.

But since it’s happened and while we’re here, it’s the perfect time to find out just what else Brian Tamaki believes and teaches besides the stone cold fact that a stray blow job can move tectonic plates.

Not wanting to wait until the next Destiny Church service (and not wanting to go to one), I turned to Twitter. A mere 4,813 tweets later and I know more about Mr Brian Tamaki than I ever thought I would. Tamaki himself believes that Twitter is the great revealer of truth and therefore it’s correct to assume that all tweets presented in this article are 100% Brian Tamaki’s beliefs and values.

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With those wise words in mind, here are the Ten Commandments of Brian Tamaki’s Twitter page.

1) Thou shalt not shy away from giving

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It’s no secret that Destiny Church encourages donations (which church doesn’t?) but Tamaki takes it a step further with his suggestions that only through giving is one able to grow rich. I hate to be a stickler for semantics but telling poor people that they need to give away their money in order to receive money seems like a flawed concept.

2) Thou shalt not be sad

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Look, some emotions get in the way of having a great time so just stop having them, okay?

3) Thou shalt not stop the burn

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You’re becoming hot. Don’t stop.

4) Thou shalt appreciate fine footwear

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Forrest Gump’s Mama once said “You can tell a lot about a person by their shoes” and Red from The Shawshank Redemption once said “How often do you really look at a man’s shoes?” These are quotes about shoes but also an example of putting a sentence in quotation marks while also mentioning who said it.

5) Thou shalt not value an education

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With Tamaki himself openly claiming to be bringing up people of low socio-economic neighbourhoods, playing down the importance of an education is definitely what historically underperforming groups of people need to hear.

6) Thou shalt not question the maths in this solution to poverty

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Spoiler alert, $1.3billion distributed amongst 300million people equals $4.33 per person. As in, enough to travel two zones on the bus and no further. This is where that aforementioned education would come in handy.

7) Thou shalt not speak ill of The Doobie Brothers

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I am actually completely on board with this message. The Doobie Brothers are great and everyone should appreciate Michael McDonald’s soulful white voice on “Takin’ it to the Streets”.

8) Thou shalt compare thyself to world famous thought leaders

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Almost a year apart to the day. Maybe he really does have a direct channel to God.

9) Thou shalt not take stock in thine own thoughts or the world around them

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10) Thou shalt appreciate the majestic beauty of horses

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Needs no explanation.

Bonus mystery commandment:

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MY NEXT WHAT???

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