Tara Ward brings you her rankings for Shortland Street last week, including Leanne’s new vitamin business, a spoiled roux, and a pillow made of kiwi feathers.
1) Cam is the Chad Johnson of Ferndale
Cam’s been in Ferndale for five minutes and has already fallen in love with Kylie. How nauseating. Thankfully, Kylie rebuked Cam’s creepy advances by insulting his duffle coat and ensuring that her fabulous face stayed away from his greasy, unkempt fringe.
“My eyes see your mouth saying no, but my ears hear ‘one day I’ll be powerless to withstand your overwhelming masculinity,’” Cam replied. “Ergo, I’ll persist in making sexually inappropriate comments in the workplace until you succumb to my infinite charm.”
Ugh. Shortland Street, please stop this ‘virile bachelor arrives in Ferndale and harasses women to go out with him even after they’ve said no’ bullshit that we’ve endured with Drew, Finn, and now Cam. It’s stupid and insulting and – like Leanne’s psychic powers – you can do so much better.
2) Leanne exposes Rachel as an infomercial watching, Bambillo-buying, Suzanne Paul wannabe
“This pillow looks like a little baby cloud,” cooed Leanne, incredulous at her good fortune of being quarantined in a five star hotel, aka the Warner’s, aka the house of a thousand luminous spheres. “What’s in here? Kiwi feathers?”
Only the best for you, Queen.
3) Blue coughs all over Ferndale
Or, as Leanne declared “he’s only been a man five minutes and already he has man flu.”
Blue was infected with the Mystery Virus after he ate the last bit of Kate’s muffin. Kate felt terrible. Mostly because she wanted that muffin all to herself, but then Blue complained he was starving and called her the meanest Mum ever, even though she gave him $10 pocket money and wrote ‘I love you’ on his lunchbox banana.
A mother’s sacrifice never ends. Have this mystery virus, you ungrateful little fecker, and I’ll have that ten bucks back while you’re at it.
Also, why doesn’t TK direct his energy toward something useful for once, like naming this stupid disease? We can’t keep calling it Mystery Virus – or can we? The suspense is killing me, or perhaps it’s the Mystery Virus.
I ate three muffins for breakfast and broke into such a heavy sweat I had to undo the top button of my jeans. Is this the end?
Hold me TK, preferably on a soft bed of kiwi feathers.
4) Ferndale splits itself like a mutant cell, causing widespread nausea and disorientation throughout the land
I think the mystery virus mutated into my television. “It’s communication technology!” Vinnie squealed in delight, but I’m not so sure. It seems more like witchcraft and sorcery to me.
I’m not good with change, especially when it’s a threesome of the split-screen kind. It’s as if Shortland Street slipped it’s moorings and sailed aimlessly into unchartered technological waters, just like that time a ferocious storm cast the Toroa adrift while Lionel and Kirsty clung on for dear life.
Wait – did that even happen, or was it just the latest gripping chapter from my Shortland Street fan fiction, coming to a self-publisher near you? Hard to know.
5) Drew’s roux is lumpy
I’d get that checked by a professional, ASAP.
6) Lucy’s Dad shows up in Ferndale just to see Rachel’s porch
The unexpected arrival of Lucy’s father had Chris more concerned than the time Nosh ran out of his favourite nut butter.
Glen is a reformed alcoholic, Rachel’s ex, and lover of porches. He’s also a big shot property investor who spends his free time rolling naked amongst crisp $5 notes, thanks to a groundbreaking charity scheme. “For every $1 we make, we give back 25 cents,” he boasted. “I call it ‘The 25 Cent Project’.”
Glen is either a philanthropic genius or a confused rapper. Maybe he’s both. That would be an excellent twist.
7) Bella and Leanne go into business importing and selling vitamins and/or methamphetamine
It’s fine. It’ll be totally fine.
8) Ali and Lucy wash dishes for three hours before Leanne tells them about a revolutionary new invention called ‘the dishwasher’
9) Ali admits to his mother that he’s had sex
Ali’s mother was less than thrilled to learn her precious son had indulged in carnal pleasures with that soap-making trollop Lucy. “I’m sure she didn’t have to tie you down,” she spat in disgust. Are we still talking about sex with Lucy, Ali’s Mum? Because that’s just awkward.
