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Shortland Street Power Rankings: Chris Warner dances because nobody’s watching

Tara Ward brings you her rankings for Shortland Street last week, including Bella’s move to Raglan, Chris Warner’s afternoon delight, and Boyd being miserable yet again.

1) Bella makes like a tree and leaves

It took sitting on a park bench for Bella to realise that the universe was telling her to leave Ferndale. “Get out,” it said, “and take that godforsaken ghost with you.” It’s hard not to listen to the universe when it communicates so succinctly, so Bella said “e noho rā” to Shortland Street, “smell ya later” to Boyd and “hello from the other side” to Raglan, where everyone loves a spooky house ghost story.

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2) Chris headbangs his way to work

Steady on, old fella, you’ll pull a muscle.

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3) Ruby takes her extensive vocabulary to town

New nurse Ruby wormed her way into a job in the plastic surgery clinic, thanks to her astonishing knowledge of words ending in ‘plasty’. “Wikipedia is my friend,” she admitted, before making jokes about man-boobs. No wonder Finn hired her on the spot — with professionalism like that, she’ll fit right in.

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4) Boyd is so miserable that even his hair hurts

Not only was Boyd bereft at Bella’s departure, but his fringe was doing something weird. He moved into TK’s, where he interrupted Trina playing golf in a towel, and agreed to play tennis with Drew and Harper.  If Boyd has to endure any more first world problems — like cutting into an overripe avocado or his camembert goes mouldy before the best by date — I hate to think of the effect on his broken heart. And his fringe. I’m not sure how much more that thing can take.

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5) Kate scores some afternoon delight

Kate and Chris put their sticks and stones together to make sparks ignite, treating us to a mid-afternoon crackling inferno of passion. Their secret affair went next level when Chris paid for a studio room at a fancy motel, one with bedside lights and a wipeable bedspread. Kate’s a lucky woman, because Chris really puts the ‘man’ into romance.

Also, is it wrong that I keep staring at Chris Warner’s nipple? Yes? Alrighty then.

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6) Someone call Sass a wahmbulance

Sass enjoyed a whinge binge this week. She shouldered the great responsibility of organising the Christmas party, a task which involved a lot more complaining than any sort of planning. Karaoke or burlesque theme? It’s hard to know which would be worse.

“It needs to be a party to die for,” Sass announced, but she’s a year too late. RIP Len, Wendy, and that awesome chocolate cake that got shot to into a million tiny pieces. Now that was a party.

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7) Glen is back but honestly who cares

If only Trump had built his giant wall around Ferndale to protect us from these two knuckleheads. It’s hard to make Ferndale great again when alcoholic dipshit Glen and Mystery Virus Pimp Guy keep hanging around like a fungal infection that refuses to disappear, no matter how many tubes of special cream you slather on.

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Let’s not waste any more time on these no hopers, and instead savour another taste of that glorious gyrator Chris Warner.

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