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‘I was Sigourney Weaver and he was the Alien Queen’ – The team behind Auckward Love share their dating nightmares

With the second season of local comedy web series Auckward Love available now on TVNZ Ondemand, the folks behind the show share their worst experiences in the dating trenches. 

Holly Shervey (Auckward Love creator, writer and plays Alice)

I was outside Countdown and a middle-aged chap came up to me and asked if he could paint me some time but he’d love to have me over for coffee first. He was super arty, rugged and seemed super cool so I jumped at the opportunity to be painted by a “real” artist.

We made a time and a couple of nights later I rocked up to his house. As it was on top of a dodgy cliff, I had to leave my car at the bottom of a 200m hill. Finally, after 15 minutes of climbing, I entered his home, sweaty as fuck. He presented me with a make shift bed in the lounge, surrounded by candles with a platter of cheese and wine.

I laughed and got the fuck out of there.

Jess Sayer (head writer and plays Zoe)

I went on a date with a guy who seemed really charming and engaging guy, making me wonder where his flaws were. After we had a few drinks, it was time to order food. Boom, his flaws became apparent very quickly. He had a really big problem with me being a vegetarian.

All throughout dinner, he kept offering me money to eat a piece of his steak. It got up to $500 when he finally realised there was no way in fuck I was going to eat any of it. He gave up and we sat awkwardly throughout the last 20 minutes of dinner. He obviously didn’t see it as a bad thing and invited me out a week later. I didn’t reply.

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Luci Hare (plays Vicky)

This one time I got asked on a date. He seemed nice, handsome and tall. Seeing as I couldn’t put a sentence together while standing in front of him, I said yes.

The date turned out to be his sister’s birthday barbecue, with his entire family. ‘Nuff said.

Will Hall (plays Willard)

For some reason I decided to go on a date at McCafé. I think it was new, the first one of its kind in town. But in reality it was still a McDonald’s. Come to think of it, it was Mum who recommended it. ‘Lovely mochaccinos’ she said. Well she was wrong.

The date wasn’t going well. My special friend had taken exception that I chose a game of golf over meeting her mother the day before. Call me old-fashioned, but I like to leave meeting the parents until at least the third date. She took one sip of her mocha stood up and said ‘this coffee tastes like shit*, you know what else is shit…..? This relationship!’ I wasn’t even aware we were in a relationship.

She turned on her heels, stormed out and slammed that McCafé door shut. Lucky for me I was in Ronald’s happy place and I was able to console myself with a Big Mac. I do love a good Big Mac and after dodging the bullet of that relationship no Big Mac ever tasted sweeter!”

*I finished my coffee and hers because McCafé coffees are actually fine, unlike that date.

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Bronwyn Turei (plays guest character Arataki)

In 2012 I was asked to go on a date to a very swanky Baseball NZ Event at Sky City. It was black tie and I was quite excited. The evening began with me picking him up (I didn’t think much of it at the time). Then he asked if I could swing by and pick up his mates…

We parked up and he said he would hold on to the parking ticket. Weird but, sure. We arrived at the event and he and his friends promptly disappear into the crowd of suits. Over the next two hours, I made small talk and watched my date get progressively drunker. When he finally joins me, he’s all groping hands, crossed eyes and his sentences are one long word. I manage to decipher that he wants me to be his girlfriend and go home with him.

At that point, all I wanted to do was go home alone with some takeaways. I suggest he go out with his mates and tell him I’ll drop them anywhere they want to go (away from me). We get to the carpark to find out that he’s lost the ticket. We have to pay a $50 lost ticket fee, but he doesn’t have his wallet. Neither do any of his mates.

I pay, drop them at Hush Hush and watch him disappear in my rear view mirror.

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Andi Crown (plays guest character Carol)

One of my first ever “dates” was when I was 16. I had grown up on a strict diet of Anne of Green Gables, Sweet Valley High and The Bible, so Romance with a capital ‘R’ was the name of the game.

The young man (let’s call him David) and I went to the movies (Look Who’s Talking 3). After tracing out cute messages on each other’s hands in the dark for about half an hour I felt him write “k.i.s.s / m.e” on my hand. I tentatively traced back “o.k.”

My little teenage heart was racing. Holy shit. This was it. My first real romantic pash! Before I could even take the strawberry Hubba Bubba out of my mouth, he had rammed his tongue so far down my throat I nearly gagged. It was like I was Sigourney Weaver and he was the Alien Queen, only instead of being in space we were in the back row of a Hoyts cinema.

After going hard for a couple of minutes he pulled away, wiped his face and mumbled, “I think I might have a bleeding nose.” After excusing myself to go to the bathroom, I glanced in the mirror to find that I resembled Carrie. Blood everywhere.

I didn’t pash anyone again for three years.


Click here to watch Auckward Love on TVNZ Ondemand

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