TelevisionMade possible by

The Bachelor NZ: Group Think, Week Eight – Ancient Conspiracy Theories and Shredding for the Wedding

As The Bachelor NZ contestants have been whittled down, so too have our Group Think contributors. In the final instalment, Art and Matilda’s wedding is envisaged and a brand new, very old, conspiracy is unearthed. 

Melanie Bracewell on The Rural Maid

Matilda won! But I’ve done a little research that might shock you all. I was doing a little thinking and I don’t think this was any coincidence. No. This whole series can be brought back to 1931… and it’s not going to last (if they haven’t already broken up already)

Matilda, Arthur. Arthur, Matilda. Something seemed a little fishy about that. So I worked my brain and discovered that it’s actually an anagram. An anagram for “That Rural Maid”. Interesting. Where else is more rural than Waiheke Island?

But it doesn’t stop there. Do a swift google search of “That Rural Maid” and what do you get? A poem. A poem written by Fernando M. Maramang in 1931. About what? You guessed it. Love. Loving and losing. Is this the future for The Bachelor NZ power couple? (I’ve done some narrating in brackets to freak you out even more.)

Here’s the poem:

Thy glance, sweet maid, when first we met, (when you walked out of that limo)
Had left a heart that aches for thee, (she got the first rose, duh)
I feel the pain of fond regret—
Thy heart, perchance, is not for me. (they ain’t gonna last)

Forgive these words that love impart,
And pleading, bare the poet’s breast; (boobs lol)
And if a rose with thorns thou art, (ROSES? THORNS… ART… IT SAYS ART RIGHT THERE. THAT’S HIS NAME)
Yet on my breast that rose may rest. (before he can give roses to other girls… he has to learn to give a rose to himself.. deep, arthur)
I know not what to name thy charms,
Thou art half human, half divine;
And if I could hold thee in my arms, (arms.. she broke her arm. Subtle, but still another clue)
I know both heaven and earth were mine. (basically he’s fucked up somehow)

So is Arthur Green a reincarnation of the poet Fernando M. Maramang? It’s the only logical solution.

Now if that’s not enough to convince you, an anagram of ‘Fernando M. Maramang’ is ‘Named From Anagram’.

Jack Riddell on the Final Questions

It’s over. It’s done. We can finally return back to normality. However, there is no denying that this television show has had a hallowing effect on this country’s social and cultural climate. It has truly shaken this proud, tiny nation to its very core. People are asking one another “could I steal you away for a chat?” Grandmothers are holding Art as the new male standard for all men, anything less gets cut from the will. Young children are asking their parents about pashing. It’s pandemonium.

However, now that the final rose has been dished out, I still have some questions I would like answered.

Was this show part of the deal the government struck with Warner Brothers?

Can we blame John Key for this show?

Will Meowzers get his own spinoff?

meowzers

Plot: Charles Meowzers is on a mission for revenge to take down the paleo drug dealer who ran over his pregnant wife. But first – he has to get in… Call me TV3.

Why wasn’t Michael Hill, Jeweller in every episode constantly introducing himself? That would have been so much better.

Is it really over though?

Paul Williams on The Bachelor wedding

I got to the wedding at 2:10pm. 20 minutes before the ceremony was scheduled to begin. Despite having never met Art or Matilda, I was very excited and wanted to get a good seat. I love weddings. I instantly regretted wearing a dinner jacket as Fiji is notoriously warm. If you’re wondering how I managed to get an invite, the answer was sitting right beside me in the form of ex-bachelorette Poppy. We’d met two weeks prior in one of her yoga classes. I was her plus one.

All of the ex-bachelorettes had been invited and all of them had shown up except for Dani who I’m guessing was still bitter about coming second, and Rosie who was off travelling in the Middle East. Many of the girls greeted Poppy and she introduced them all to me. I don’t remember most of their names – but at least half of them seemed to be called Danielle.

Eventually the procession began. First up, a woman I can only assume was Matilda’s mum (I missed the episode where Art met the families). Then came the groomsmen: Mike Puru, Michael Hill and Meowzer in a little cat suit. Next up was the best man, New Zealand Black Caps medium-pacer Mitchell McClenaghan. He sprinted up the aisle, leapt into the air and bowled a handful of rose petals onto the makeshift altar. He turned to the crowd and yelled “Howzat?!”. I laughed but everyone else just seemed very confused. “Not out” proclaimed a familiar voice from behind us. The man of the hour, Arthur Green. He looked dashing. He’d decided to go no jacket, no tie and no shirt, to accentuate to his abs.

Weirdly there were no bridesmaids. I think Matilda’s reasoning was that all 21 of the Bachelorettes had technically tried to steal her man. The ring bearer was Michael Hill who had quickly looped back around after his first procession. Last but not least came the beautiful bride and her father. Matilda looked stunning.

The ceremony was pretty unremarkable until it came time for the “any objections” part. Runner-up Dani pretended to burst through some imaginary doors at the back (the wedding was happening outside on the grass) and yelled “Wait!”. Everyone gasped, particularly Shivani. There was a long silence as Dani regained her breath. “You can’t marry her…” Her voice was trembling. “Because I’m love with you Art.”

Art stayed silent with a pained look on his face. Finally the priest spoke. “That is very touching and added some nice drama to what was otherwise a very boring service. However, that is not a legal reason why this couple can’t wed.”

“Also I already knew that. You told me in the last episode.” Art added. Everyone turned and watched as Dani dropped her head and silently slid into the back row. It was heartbreaking to watch.

The reception was fun. Poppy and I danced and were constantly interrupted by the other girls coming and asking if they could “steal me away”. Apart from Mitchell McClenaghan and the happily married (for 50 years) Michael Hill, I was the only straight guy there and Mitch had gone too hard on the punch and passed out shortly after his speech.

All in all I had a great time at Art and Matilda’s wedding and I wish them a long a happy marriage.

The Spinoff Longform Fund is dedicated to facilitating investigative journalism. Our focus is on supporting in-depth reporting on important New Zealand stories. Your donation will help us sustain this most resource-intensive form of journalism, ensuring that the most complex and important stories still get told.