In week six of The Bachelor NZ, some of the greatest minds in the country assemble to talk about Art’s dreamy leathers, school teacher woes and pure pash champions.
Joanna Hunkin’s Alliterative Ode to The Bachelor
I don’t want to sound like I’m taking shots at Arthur’s tennis ability, but if Crystal was my doubles partner I would put her on my back and get that W. The more I thought about it, the more I realised why I didn’t get the call. I would be the worst Bachelor of all time. Here’s why:
1) Too shy.
“Did you kiss him?”
“No. I tried but he turned away and whispered ‘There are cameras in the room.’”
2) Only goes on dates to the movies.
“It’s a single date. Poppy, let’s go have a reel good time. P.s it’s not fishing.”
“It’s a group date. Like speed dating, it won’t take long. It will be both Fast and Furious 7.”
3) Not shredded enough.
I always make sure I’m in shape for when I have to take my jersey off in public and it inadvertently pulls my t-shirt up as well. With that said, I’m not nearly as cut as Arthur. Dude is ripped!
4) I don’t drink.
It’s hard to have a cocktail party when you don’t drink cocktails. We could have Fanta parties but they would very quickly turn into obesity parties.
5) Not handsome enough.
“You would be good looking if it wasn’t for your nose.” – my sister.
6) Not good at saying ‘no’ to people.
“You can have the petals and you can have the stem. No one’s going home!”
7) Too shy (I know I already said this one but it’s important).
Arthur kisses girls on the first date like a true player. My first kiss came when I was 17. She initiated it and we’d been dating for nearly a month. If I were the Bachelor, the season would take like two years.
Jane Yee’s Dream About Art
Last night I dreamt of Art. I’d love to tell you it was a dream full of thrilling helicopter flights, gifts of diamond and goldsilver, and perhaps a dollop or two of (melted) black doris plum ice cream, but alas, it was not. When Duncan had a steamy fanfic dream about Art a few weeks back, the pair made an undeniable connection – which still has Duncan reeling to this day. My subconscious experience saw me at the other end of the #foreverlove spectrum as the only bachelorette of three remaining to not receive a one-on-one date – it was a cold, dark loneliness that only Danielle B could understand.
My competition in the final three were someone abstract (possibly Dani?) and Alice Pearson from The Block NZ. It turns out Alice had recently been dumped by her husband, Caleb. She told us the story of how she was chatting to him about light fittings over breakfast when he started laughing at her in a condescending manner, and thus their marriage fell apart (what? It’s not my story, I’m just retelling it). There was no mention of their baby Alec, but he was not at the bach-ette house with us. I can only assume Caleb was playing super-nice-guy Dad in another reality show, in someone else’s dream.
Alice was in tears over it all, there was no way she was ready to put herself forward to potentially, possibly, maybe end up being Art’s GF at the end of all this. So why the heck did she get a single date and I didn’t?! And why was I even in the top three? I mean seriously, as if he was going to choose me to be his #maybegirlfriend next week when we hadn’t even had any proper time alone, just us with the camera and production crew.
Suddenly stage two of my dream kicked in (I can only assume I didn’t receive the final rose), and in this bit the show had wrapped and present day Dream-Me hadn’t seen Art for a long time. Imagine how my ticker raced, then, when I spotted my ex-potential-boyfriend sauntering around St Lukes mall with one of his mates. He was wearing a heavily studded leather jacket. And these were not flat studs, I’m talking pointy studs – hundreds of them. I’m not sure why it matters that they were pointy, but it does.
Suddenly I realised that Art wasn’t the man I thought he was. During recording he was all sexy tennis whites and sunrise-exercising, but in the real (dream) world he was just another gangly dude wandering around St Lukes in an ill-fitting studded leather jacket. My heART broke all over again.
Alex Casey on the Snack-chelor
I had my eyes on the prize this week – the prize being delicious free food. Here are some of favourites, shout out to The Bachelor team for keeping the Bachelorettes well-fed with the oddest food imaginable.
What are those lil white lumps? Bits of banana? No thanks.
Ceviche on the beach? Call the police. Wtf are those cherries?!
Enormous burger? Okay nah that one is good.
Duncan Greive on The Pasher Rankings
There is no pasher more focused than ravenous Dan, who dives tongue-first at Art whenever they’re within five metres and/or there’s a chance the other women temporarily lack a sightline. Ol’ loose lips’ audacious cocktail party pash was a season highlight, and on Wednesday’s episode in particular she spent more time pashing than speaking. A real ‘quantity not quality’ pasher too – in the germy foam pit, on a log – Dani is always DTP.
Just the one pash, and the last to enter the pashzone, but probably the most legit of the series. All other pashes have had a pasher and a pashee. This one felt like the natural end to a 15 hour long date, with the pair dizzy off that Lindauer and aimlessly rowing round in circles for hours on end. The effect was so narcotic that their temporary pet cat Miaowsker slumped into a pash coma, legs splayed, mouth slightly ajar, waiting for some reviving CPR. But Art and Matilda only had lips for each other, and Miawsker is now dead.
Sly secret pashing on the low for the Pop. Not for her the big reveal: the texture of his tongue, the precise duration and grading it by scholastic achievement, Alysha-style. Instead she holds her pashes close, and tries to contain them like a rogue fruit fly. Dani casually let the pash out of the bag, prompting the Poppy-est eyes yet, but she needs to focus more on her own pash game, as her post-flash pash is now the most distant of any remaining contender.
Holding out for second date was such a pro move, as was heading out into international waters, where camera-people could only helplessly zoom from the shore. She called it Intermediate level to the other ‘rettes, but it looked High School-as on screen. Her swing from sullen to lusty on the log was a nice play, too – maybe the raw fish aphrodisiac had just kicked in? But Alysha gets too angry at sharing Art’s face, and the bro does not like an angry/bossy/thought-having lady. Just chill out, have a Lindy and get pashing mate.
Angella Dravid on Kiwi Pride
The Bachelor TV format has beautiful women competing for the attentions of a handsome, and wealthy man of some importance. The entertainment comes from the emerging tactics, bitchiness, and interesting pasts from the female contestants, and relationships. The bachelor himself is the one to wield power, by rose-proposal and elimination. That’s The Bachelor in a nutshell. And it’s a great show but NZ’s The Bachelor goes on a different tangent.
It’s become a giant shitfest where several women have refused Art’s advances, and roses. And that’s what I love about the kiwi version. I’m inclined to say it’s indicative of self-interest, and rationality amongst kiwi women. Despite the opportunity of 15 minutes of fame, and the admiration of Art Green, there is a large percentage (if we assume the contestants are a sample) of kiwi women, who are willing to forgo the competition and independently pursue love and happiness in the real world.
And if this show is what NZ has to offer for The Bachelor format, I would say we’re leaps and bounds ahead of the rest of the world.
Hamish Parkinson’s Art Teacher Fan Fiction
Art, was just as surprised as Chrystal was to find his old primary classroom perfectly replicated in an old abandoned school house.
He played along. Showing Chrystal pictures of him as a goofy kid with dreams of being big and muscular, his average school marks, the girlfriend he had that abruptly left for Antarctica and old chewing gum perfectly preserved in plastic bags with old dates of collection hurriedly scribbled onto the cracked stickers.
“Art department really did their homework this week,” Arthur muttered as he moved onto what looked like a scrapbook of his old eyelashes.
“Don’t be an asshole Art” growled the director. “We all know you set this up so let’s just move onto that weird janitors closet filled with photos of you taken from surveillance cameras.”
Art’s trade-mark slight smile turned upside down to a slight frown.
His primary teacher Miss Brooks always had an intense fascination with him. He was the only student that showed her kindness after her husband died in a tragic beach-workout accident involving the stitch from a killer sit-up session, canola oil instead of sun block and flesh hungry seagulls.
Now, he had stumbled into her shrine for him. She was close.
“Tiki Taane just turned up! Grab the brunette and get in there!” An excited intern yelled at Art.
Art was too worried to focus on the private gig. He never noticed Tiki Taane playing the same chord over and over again, or Tiki constantly readjusting his plastic-like face.
Too busy wondering where Miss Brooks could be to pay attention to the repetitive lyrics of “ABC why won’t you be with me?”
He soon forgot all about Miss Brooks as he shoved his tongue deep into Dani’s apple flavoured mouth, looking deep into those ‘old beyond her years’ eyes and caressing that rubber mask-like face of hers.
All his worries left his mind as she whispered deep into his ear “A+ young man”
Hamish’s Surf 2-in-1 Bonus Extra
“No matter how choppy the waters of singeldom get, Geoff has his rod out ready to catch a bounty of bosom. This show will have ya hooked for more. Like they say: There’s plenty of fish in the sea, now let Geoff help you to f**k ’em all!”
Pretty average episodes this week, but then again it is The Bachelor NZ so I don’t know what I was expecting. I didn’t follow most of it, was keen to see Art go full Top Gun with Matilda AKA Matill at the start, but after watching them fly their antique plane with a distinctive lack of homosexual undertones and a couple of very tonguey pashes, I kinda just tuned out. However, there were 2 reasons to tune in next week was has got me very excited and ready to fall in love/have a chat!
Cannot wait to meet these angry people and find out what horrible, ungodly thing Art has done to make them look like a ferret lives in their bottoms. Also looking forward to timing Mike Puru’s screen time again – down to 49 seconds this week. Great stuff Mike! Too bad you can’t come in during the rose ceremony and say “This is the last rose” like Chris Harrison on the real Bachelor. You got played out son. How else is the audience meant to know it’s the last rose ffs.
Shout out Poppy, you’re my homie.
The Spinoff Daily gets you all the days' best reading in one handy package, fresh to your inbox Monday-Friday at 5pm.