In light of her new music video and dominance of the entire world, Alex Casey revisits Taylor Swift’s less-celebrated cameo appearance on CSI.
All this flat-out commotion about Taylor Swift’s new star-stuffed ‘Bad Blood’ video has distracted us all from her most stellar onscreen performance – her dramatic cameo role on CSI. It’s infinitely more violent than ‘Bad Blood’, and features an even deeper breadth of haircuts, styles and colours. The episode in question follows a series of murders that take place in a motel over the course of a year, the final victim of which is Swift herself.
“I knew her,” investigator Nick Stokes says solemnly, presumably a list MP on the long list of ex-lovers. The flashback will soon tell us why, hurtling back to 365 days prior. Haley (Swift) is alive and well, residing with her family at the Park Pines motel. It all feels Norman Bates-sy for sure. The first of many many murders is being investigated, and Haley is pestering Nick Stokes for answers.
Haley is a hell of a flirt, probably because her Mum keeps her locked inside her room all day. But she’s sure got a smile that can light up the whole town, and uses it liberally to seduce Stokes. He solves the first crime – there’s a very gross green body in the ceiling.
Sick. Another day, another motel crime scene. This time Haley has got a new blonde hairdo because she hates her Mum her or something. She is also desperately trying to look like Cherie, the blonde cool girl. Cherie wears short skirts, Haley wears check shirts. Cherie’s cheer captain. Haley is a murder suspect.
With all the murders going on in her family business, Haley is getting a lot of hate from people on a groovy networking website called Friend Agenda. “The hits just keep coming,” says Haley, clearly referencing the pending success of 1989.
“Just blow it off” says Stokes.
Let’s go forward through time again, Haley is now severely emo as due to more online bullying, and yet another dead person in her abode:
A lady called Tanya Carrow is found dead in her motel room, one night after checking in. Haley goes to her makeshift grave, turns out that Tanya Carrow is her real Mum:
Now we’re in the present, and Haley is sadly stabbed through the chest by her fake mum for having a bad haircut. Turns out that her fake Mum killed her real Mum for trying to get back together with her daughter. She never, ever, ever, wanted that to happen. And now Haley must swiftly die too.
And so ends Haley’s life and Taylor’s fearless cameo on CSI. If only band aids could fix knife wounds.