TelevisionMade possible by

Throwback Thursday: Adam Levine Gets Marooned on AHS: Asylum

For this Throwback Thursday, Alex Casey looks back at Adam Levine’s brief but brutal stint in American Horror Story: Asylum. //

It’s been a huge week for the American Horror Story anthology. Two days ago, there was some sad news that Ben Woolf, aka loveable Meep from American Horror Story: Freak Show had tragically died in a car accident. Today it was announced that, after her big show tune number at the Oscars, Lady Gaga is continuing her gradual hatching back into the spotlight with a lead role in American Horror Story: Hotel.

true animal

true animal

Although this is big and exciting news, lest we forget that she is not the first borderline-irrelevant popstar who has treaded the old bloodstained AHS boards in a quest to re-enter the pop culture universe. In season two, everyone’s favourite tattooed baby bird Adam Levine (of Maroon 5 fame) lent a hand to the good folks at Asylum (you’ll find out why that’s a good joke later).

With the second series set in both 1964 and the present, we luckily meet Adam Levine in 2012 (I would have hated to see him with an irritating Beatle haircut and weird wool pants). His character Joe is joined by his new wife (played by Channing Tatum’s wife) as they go on a romantic honeymoon to a hellhole asylum haunted by time-travelling masked murderers. Songs About Jane? More like Songs About Pain. The blissful pair start to explore the abandoned Briarcliff Manor, with horrific flashbacks telling us that Bloody Face the serial killer did some serious damage in their new marital abode.

Screen Shot 2015-02-26 at 3.45.03 pm

get busy levine or get busy dying

Cut to: a rando blowjob scene. There is some sort of spooky dark shaft (not Adam Levine’s, thank god) in the wall that the wife wants to investigate. “I’ll give you a blowjob if you do it” says Mrs Channing Tatum, getting on her knees as Adam Levine whips out the his torch-mode iPhone before you can say “Sunday Morning”. He puts his arm into the shaft, and immediately gets it chainsawed off by Bloody Face. Levine is left well and truly stumped.

We don’t see much else from Levine after that, and the pair sadly get shot in the next episode by a lower tier of serial killer wandering through the asylum. It was getting harder and harder for him to breathe anyway, on account of the blood loss and the stabs to the chest. There’s no way he was going to get safely to a payphone, put it that way.

Here’s hoping that, in the new American Horror Story season, Lady Gaga’s cameo packs a little more punch than Levine’s. We already know that she can act for TV, check out this rare ten second clip of her in The Sopranos:

And in this badly made sexual harassment awareness video:

Rest assured, AHS has a big task ahead if they ever want to make something as horrifying as Adam Levine getting his arm cut off mid blow job. There’s maybe only one chilling Gaga storyline that will top it:

I shudder to think.

Lightbox users, click here to witness the terror that is American Horror Story: Asylum

Everyone else, click here to start your free trial (12 months for Spark customers, 30 days for everyone else)

The Spinoff Longform Fund is dedicated to facilitating investigative journalism. Our focus is on supporting in-depth reporting on important New Zealand stories. Your donation will help us sustain this most resource-intensive form of journalism, ensuring that the most complex and important stories still get told.