Everyone’s looking for the next “must-go” holiday location. At The Spinoff we think we’ve found a place that will become a fixture on people’s travel bucket lists. Take a trip to 10,000 BC and prepare to have your pre-conceived notions bludgeoned to death.
Traditionally visitor numbers to the Mesolithic Period have been low to non-existent. A recent user survey by the Oros Tourist Ministry (OTM) highlighted some key reasons why the pre-historic destination is nowhere near as popular as similar vacation hubs like Victorian London and the orgy pits of Ancient Rome. Feedback to the OTM survey included comments such as “service culture in eating establishments are non-existent (as are eating establishments)”, “public transport seems to run not at all” and “eldest child eaten by sabre-tooth tiger v annoyed”.
In response the OTM has begun an aggressive marketing campaign seeking to rehabilitate the reputation of Oros as a modern holiday destination with all the comforts of home. “Oros offer same things other places that people in big bird in the sky travel to.” or so says Horrtar, the OTM’s spokesperson. Although highly skeptical The Spinoff traveled to Oros (courtesy of the OTM) and found a time period redefining itself into the essential getaway destination of the 2016 holiday season.
1. The Arrival
The Oros tribal elders have learnt their lessons from the big players in the holiday market: they’ve gone one better than Hawaii. New arrivals to Oros are made to feel welcome by the gifting of not a lei, but an actual trophy. “Every one heap love winning,” says Horrtar “you come to Oros you win big troaty.”
2. A Paleo wonderland
In recent months an advertising campaign targeting Paleo diet enthusiasts has seen a big uptick in visitor numbers. There are now “Meat and Seeds” paleo themed package tours available and Oros cuisine featured in a Monacle sidebar. Horrtar took us to his favourite watering hole which also served top notch Oros eats. We were only slightly surprised to find it was literally a watering hole.
3. Arts and crafts
Oros jewllery is on the up and up. We met a local jeweler Styarak in her studio who proudly showed off her new collection of necklaces. Styarak makes them in the traditional way and they’ve become very popular in the fashion houses of New York. However, she admits the new found interest in her work is threatening to exhaust her supply of resources. At that point we were hustled out of the studio by Horrtar. Something to do with visitors to Styarak’s studio always losing their “head flaps.”
4. Top notch accommodation
Unfortunately the accommodation sector in Oros has a less than stellar reputation. However, a move to educate proprietors on the basic principles of “comfort” has seen a dramatic change in the industry. As always in Oros paying for accommodation is a real adventure. We scored this luxury suite for a handful of grubs and a promise to impregnate the hotel owner’s offspring.
5. The People
Residents of this land are extraordinarily laid back. It’s this relaxed attitude that has seen the Wenja people praised in travel books. Even so we weren’t prepared for exactly how loose and carefree people seemed to be. In fact we didn’t meet a single person who wasn’t lying on the ground. In fact they were so relaxed they couldn’t reply to our greetings or questions and in some cases people were so dedicated to their siesta, they’d come apart or lost a body part.
This travel guide was brought to you by the Oros Tourist Ministry and our gaming coverage sponsors Bigpipe.