Tuesday night’s episode of The Crowd Goes Wild featured what is perhaps the greatest interview scoop New Zealand television has ever seen. Madeleine Chapman brings you the hot take.

Sadly, no one at The Crowd Goes Wild was even involved. Not Mark, Andrew, Hayley, Chris, James, Makere – not even Huw. Instead, a French reporter by the name of Clémentine Sarlat sent in her interview with our national hero, Dan Carter. The introduction from Andrew and Mark truly buried the lede, choosing to comment more on the reporter’s name than the greatness that they were about to present us.

CUT TO:

We open on what appears to be a corporate box at a French racing track. Dan and Clémentine are seated very low to the ground. Someone has left an Excel spreadsheet open on the monitor but nobody seems to notice. There is a spinning wheel tucked away behind Clémentine that hints at a possible school fair happening sometime this week where someone will win a bottle of wine and a frozen chicken.

Clémentine is very happy to be there. She is enamoured with Dan as she asks him if he knows any French.

Dan replies in French (show off) and carries on stuttering basic French words but I can’t concentrate when his face is covering the entire screen. Apparently the cameraman is also enamoured.

The interview continues as Clémentine asks Dan what it is like to play against guys that he’s friends with. Dan answers the question, but again I am too busy counting his pores to take in what he is saying.

But suddenly things get juicy. Clémentine confesses that she has read his book and enjoyed it (!) but she wants to know more. She needs the next big scoop.

Dan attempts a slow self-suffocation at the mention of his tell-all memoir which forces the cameraman to break habit and zoom out.

Dan then reveals that he has been hiding his fingernails because they are “disgusting”. According to Clémentine’s face, this is exactly the scoop she was after. Just wait till this drops, her eyebrows are saying.

Dan then goes against a lifetime of hiding and shame to reveal the aforementioned disgusting nails to Clémentine and to the world. Look at them. Look. At. Them. Barely a nail bed in sight. Clémentine is thrilled. She ends the interview there – why continue after that scoop? – and signs off with a sinister “okay, I have it. Fine. We’re good.”

The interview ends with Dan pondering his revelation, full of regrets.

We cut back to the studio to see Andrew and Mark looking confused and frightened. After a pause, Andrew Mulligan speaks for the nation.

“What did we just watch?”

 

The full interview in all its French glory can be found here.