Sports

G.O.A.Tees: The golden facial hair of the Golden State Warriors

The Golden State Warriors are gunning for the all-time NBA wins record, but they’ve already sewn up the title for best facial hair ever. Joseph Harper gazes upon the squad and decides ‘who warri-ore it best’.

The Golden State Warriors have a chance to make history as the winningest basketball team of all time. Watching Warriors games this year has been a sublime treat. All kinds of dishing and swishing and cool bball moves that pretty much everyone is enjoying.

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Whether or not they break the single season wins record, there is one record the Warriors have already captured: the Most Primo Goatees On A Sports Team award. All season long, the Warriors have put on the chin display of the finest order. Presumably inspired by the terrible goatee work of their star shooting guard, Klay “Chin Dog” Thompson, the Warrriors squad have stepped up and showed the league that their chins are here to be taken very, very seriously.

Here are the highlights.

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Klay Thompson

The goat that launched a thousand ships. Klay Thompson’s goatee looks extremely create-a-wrestler to me. He’s really good at bball, but he’s also basically a Nintendo Mii. I guess Klay’s goatee really put him on the map, along with his cool Chinese X-men shoe deal.

Whether or not it looks good (it definitely doesn’t), Klay’s goatee almost certainly inspired his GSW teammates.

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Draymond Green

Arguably the coolest Warrior, Draymond Green’s goat is undoubtedly the coolest goat on the team (and possibly in the league). Slimline straps and near-infinite moustache connectivity. It’s a beautifully crafted, new jack swing dhyana mudra on his face.

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Stephen Curry

The soon to be back-to-back NBA MVP has beautiful eyes, a beautiful jumper, and is letting his chin do everything it can to convince the world that he’s not a lil baby pretending to be an adult man.

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Andre Iguodala

An appropriately chiselled number for one of the rippedest basketball players I’ve ever enjoyed looking at. There’s nothing about this goatee that really stands out, but it screams ‘Sixth Goatee of the Year’.

(Photo by Sean M. Haffey/Getty Images)

Harrison Barnes

The perfect goatee for a man who self-identifies as “The Black Falcon”. I love it.

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Shaun Livingston

Fitting that a man who suffered such a disgusting broken leg, should have such an inspirationally good goatee. Great concept, brilliant execution. Also feels like a natural progression from this.

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James McAdoo

Pity the facial-hair-growing basketball player who has to follow in the footsteps of the white whale. Lil James may never live up to the standards set by Big Bobby McAdoo, but he’s making a go of it and honestly, he looks fine.

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Marreese Speights

Good on ya mate.

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Andrew Bogut

Most of the time, Bogie adopts a classic rat-arse Australian scruffbag look, but from time to time he adopts a pretty pure goat and one time he went full-on Mitchell Johnson.

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Kevon Looney

The Warriors rookie, Kevon Looney, is one of the few clean shaven men on the roster. That makes sense though. He’s a lil baby rookie. He probably doesn’t even have pubes. He’s hella cute though.

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Anderson Varejao

Anderson Varejao has the opposite of that thing where bald dudes have very hairy backs. Also I think if he grew any kind of beard or moustache it might come across as a concession to Kevin Love which really wouldn’t help come playoffs.

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Leandro Barbosa

Brazilian Blur by name, patchy blur of a goatee by nature. Say what you will about Leandro Barbosa, his loopy moustache is the very definition of Latin flair.

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Steve Kerr

I’m sure coach Steve Kerr dreams of growing a cool lil Phil Jackson/Colonel Sanders-mode  goatee (get buckets). But unfortunately he never will, because Michael Jordan famously castrated the entire 95-96 Bulls squad to make his dream of a team of single-minded, unsullied, Basketball Eunuchs a reality.

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