Tara Ward brings you her rankings for Shortland Street last week, including intense tent problems and the sad departure of Rachel McKenna.
1) Rachel walks towards the light
Just another ordinary week for our Rach: she got drunk, knocked down a wedding marquee and vowed to find herself. Before our tiny little brains could comprehend the ridiculous idea of a McKenna-free Ferndale, Rach gave Dr Love a cracker of a goodbye pash and waved a final farewell to Shortland Street.
Say it isn’t so, Rachel. We’ve spent 24 years glorious years together, and you just up and leave?
Chris was so confused that his nostrils flared like the time Harry refused to put mayonnaise on his chips. If only Rachel had thought to find herself in a mirror – much easier, and far less dramatic. For crying out loud, she lived with Chris Warner, where no doubt every wall and ceiling is covered in a reflective surface.
Goodbye, Rachel. I hope you find yourself wherever you go.
2) Lucy and Ali say “I do”
Congratulations, love is amazing, what a beautiful couple, blah blah blah. Lucy and Ali’s wedding was less memorable for the pledging of their undying love (vomit), more for Rachel’s on the mouth congratulations to Lucy and her slurred – but surprisingly relevant – wedding speech.Seriously though, who doesn’t love a drunk stand-in mother at a wedding? And Rachel was HILARIOUS.
Seriously though, who doesn’t love a drunk stand-in mother at a wedding? And Rachel was HILARIOUS.
3) Damo chucks himself in a frame
Best wedding present, ever.
4) Millie returns and robs Drew of any remaining dignity
With the double loss of legends Leanne and Rachel, we’re left to endure Cam’s mind-numbing menu claptrap and the return of miserable Millie Hutchins. I will never forgive you for this, Rachel McKenna.
Yes, Millie Hutchins – she of the 2015 illegal boob implants and nutbag shooter father – is back. She arrived with a bag full of surly teen attitude and a dropkick boyfriend called Carlos, and departed with most of Drew’s electronics and Kylie’s pleather jacket.
Can Millie also go somewhere and find herself? K, thanks, bye.
5) Whoever this muppet is
First he served Rachel nine million shots of vodka, then he sold her a tiny bottle of spirits to take to an alcohol-free wedding. THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT, YOU BEARDED JUDAS.
6) Harper touches base to leverage her workflow going forward
Harper threw herself astride the CEO throne so quickly that the sweaty imprint of Rachel’s butt cheeks had barely a chance to evaporate. Harper was hungry for power and management jargon, spending most of her day talking about how busy she was.
“I’m incredibly busy!” she barked. “We must fix the budgets going forward! If only I wasn’t so unbelievably busy!” It was a shockingly effective style of management until she got sick of it and resigned, telling forensic accountant Rajiv that he could “stick it”. David Brent would be proud.
7) Chris has an intents experience
The collapsing wedding marquee was a metaphor for the Warner marriage: beautiful from the outside, but inside a cold and hollow abyss, with fairy lights that looked a little bit shit.
If Chris didn’t have a marquee phobia before this life-threatening canvas avalanche, then he definitely does now. I’m 84% sure I saw a single tear fall as Chris realised he’d never get to serenade the newlyweds with a heartfelt acoustic version of ‘Anchor Me’, let alone sort out the co-dependent crapfest that was his marriage.
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8) Curtis tries to light Ali and Lucy’s fire
You big softie, Curtis. Indeed, there’s nothing more romantic than starting your married life amid a fiery inferno of ylang-ylang and sandalwood. Gets me right in the feels.
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