Tara Ward brings you this week’s Shortland Street Power Rankings, including Virginia’s man-eating, Lucy’s woeful pikelets and Ferndale’s latest ill-thought-out engagement.
1) Virginia celebrates her divorce from Drew by shagging him senseless
Sit back, girls, and let Auntie Virginia teach you this week’s life lesson. Recently spurned by the love of your life? Exhausted by a lengthy litigation that left you with nothing more than a waterfront apartment and a monthly allowance?
Life’s tough, ladies. It’s time to grab that bull by his horns and get your world back on its axis.
Step one: show that fool what he’s missing. Remind him about all the good times you shared, focusing more on your sexual exploits than that time you went to Briscoes and scored a toaster for 60% off.
Step two: men are so fickle! Nothing drives them wild like a bit of rivalry. Flirt with a random man – the uglier and poorer the better – and kapow! He’ll be a big greasy ball of testosterone putty in your hands, ladies.
Step three? Trust Auntie Virginia, you won’t need it!
2) Dayna chooses George and his hairy gene pool
Hold the phone — these two crazy kids just got engaged! One minute George is at the park giving lollies to random children, the next he’s on one knee presenting Dayna with a ring filled with sucrose and e-numbers. My eyes are moist with the romance of it all.
Not everyone is overjoyed at the news that Dayna is marrying a shaggy sheepdog she met four days ago. Pipe down, geriatrics, because YOLO.
George spends $10 on a Ferndale’s finest cubic zirconia ring, which Dayna proudly flashes about as if the glint from the diamond will blind us immediately. In all honesty, it looks like George won the ring in one of those claw vending machines you find next to the trolley bay at New World.
In an effort to smooth the pre-marital waters, Dayna hosts a lunch so that her family can fall in love with George, just like she did. Snort. Still, it’s not all bad, because there’s lasagne and the world’s biggest salad.
George gets on a big plane and flies to Christchurch, where they don’t seem to have phones or wifi. What kind of backwater wilderness is this place? For the love of all things aertex and moleskin, will we ever see George again?!
3) Vinnie’s parenting struggle is real
Vinnie hoped being a stay at home parent would be a life of chilling, drinking coffee and gossiping. He was right! Sadly he’s been lumbered with Lara, a parent friend whose enthusiasm for discussing her bad marriage is only matched by her endless collection of active wear.
But wait, what’s this? Lara discovers her husband Dan as he prepares to strip Lucy’s mainframe (that’s computer talk for ‘dirty weekend up north’). Dan is Todd! Todd is Dan! The whole world just turned on its own head.
Vinnie: go pump some iron, have a latte and relax. You’re a Dad. You deserve it.
4) Lucy hoes into life
We continue our journey along the undulating gravel road that is Lucy’s love life, with no hint of reaching our final destination or even a quick toilet stop at the nearest petrol station. Lucy began the week in a giddy state of romantic ecstasy, mentally choosing the perfect bridesmaid dress for Dayna and George’s wedding.
Lucy’s fluffy love cloud of apricot organza is abruptly destroyed like an Australian’s hope of World Cup glory, when she discovers IT specialist boyfriend Todd is actually Dan-who’s-married-with-a-child-called-Heaven. Love’s young dream was just infected by a Trojan virus which chewed up Lucy’s heart and spat it out through a teeny tiny USB port.
Drastic times call for drastic measures, so Dayna channels her inner Rachel Ray and whips up some sprinkly pikelets to put the smile back on Lucy’s dial.
Dayna, you’re making matters worse.
Lucy falls deeper into her bottomless chasm of despair and woe. Is there nothing that can save her from turning into a modern day Miss Havisham?
As you were, people. “What a hoe!” Lucy self-proclaims. Proud of you, girlfriend!
5) Esther discovers the adult world is a confusing mix of responsibility and giant handbags
For someone who’s so annoying, Esther shows an astonishing degree of self- awareness. “I’m this moany person who always feels sorry for herself,” she says, and nobody argues otherwise.
Esther also worries she’s “this annoying new person who doesn’t know stuff”. Right again! So when the question is “how much do I loathe myself?”, Nicole and Kylie know the answer is alcohol. They take Esther out clubbing. In public! In someone else’s clothes!
The night out reveals that Esther is not the only woman with problems.
6) Boyd gives it the thumbs up
Boyd did nothing this week, other than this little gem.
And so, the sun sets on another week of our beloved Shortland Street. Will Kylie’s enormous handbag survive the night? Will Boyd give Harper’s wedding plans the thumbs up? Will Lucy and Curtis last the week? And will Auntie Virginia’s scheming cement her place in Drew’s heart, or at the very least, his pants?
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