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Television: Shortland Street Power Rankings – The Ferndale Time Traveller’s Strife

Tara Ward ranks her favourite moments from the past week of Ferndale hijinks. This week: Bella reaches peak pregnant, Dayna is a local legend and there’s a surprise visit from a 1940s gentleman.

1) Dayna surfs her way through a sea of fools and idiots

Dayna rockets up the power rankings this week for her endurance and fortitude. She’s a magnet to Ferndale’s troubled and confused, as they hover excitedly around her like Gerry Brownlee at a panda bear convention. Dayna represents us, the viewing public, bewildered and befuddled as she watches the circus unfold around her.

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Jimmy constantly irritates her (me) with his wavy fingers and rubbery facial expressions, flatmate Lucy wallows in a lavender-infused slow cooker of self-pity, while Bella inflicts a stinky visit to the ED upon her long-suffering sister.

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The woman deserves a medal – or a life membership to the Ferndale Women in Business – for putting up with this shit. Dayna, you’re my hero.

2) How do you solve a problem like Victoria?

The ‘Victoria refuses to be a victim’ storyline is like a nasty dose of heartburn: nauseating, painful and endlessly repetitive.

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Just like last week and the week before, Victoria refuses to be a victim. Victoria and Mo bond despite having no chemistry whatsoever. Victoria argues with Chris. Victoria bounces back from adversity with a steely determination and a grimaced jaw set so far out from her face she’ll likely trip over it.

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Blah, blah, blah. The one bright light this week was Trent Wagener taking Victoria prisoner. Sadly, she escaped.

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My only hope is that Victoria will be transferred to a hospital far, far away, where she marries a lonely widow with eight children who form a singing troupe and live happily ever after.

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It’s really the only place she can go, because this storyline sure as hell isn’t taking her anywhere.

3) Bella plays the pregnancy trump card

Bella fulfills the patronizing stereotype that pregnant women are incompetent idiots who cannot be trusted to do anything other than knit booties and fret about the pain of childbirth.

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There’s the obligatory I-think-it’s-early-labour-but-really-it’s-just-Braxton-Hicks moment:

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Though a false alarm, it did result in to a trapped wind scene – which never disappoints.

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So it’s no surprise when Bella’s waters break prematurely while at Rachel’s Ferndale Women In Business event. Hold the gas and air, Bella, there are hors-d’oeuvres to be served.

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4) Ali steps up to the plate

Ali the Ambo is back. This fellow is so cute I could chuck him in my back pocket and call him Cute Little Ali the Ambo In My Back Pocket.

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Ali wants to move in with Dayna and Lucy. It’s a perfect match, they need a flatmate and Ali reckons “food sharing is my thing”. But Ali disappears before their mutual love of buffet is formalized. Whatever could have distressed him so suddenly?

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Knickers, that’s what. What were these two loose women thinking? How can Ali look his mother in the eye, now that he’s shacked up with these two brassiere-wearing harlots?

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Stay strong, Ali. Say no to the knickers.

5) This guy

This man from the 1940s travels through the vortex of time and space that is the Elevator of Doom. He emerges into a bewildering world of fake lesbians, carrot wielding surgeons and the second dreamiest ambulance officer you’ll ever see (RIP Rangi).

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6) Drew makes a boob job of a boob job

Shortland Street is famous for it’s legendary one-liners, like “you’re not in Guatamaela now,” and “yeah, nah.” This week bought us another timeless gem: “I think you did a boob job on an underage girl.”

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Chris is unimpressed at Drew’s attitude, while Drew resents Chris’ perfect hair and superior tie collection. Rachel sends them to time out, but wait until she discovers Drew’s latest error... There’ll be no TV for a week!

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7) Lucy and Curtis flirt with danger

Like a South Pacific Romeo and Juliet, Curtis and Lucy continue their forbidden flirting. They both pretend to work in a hospital so that they can meet secretly and plot their next illicit rendezvous. Somewhere romantic, like the morgue or the sluice room.

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They even encourage patients to fake a diabetic coma, just to be near each other.

So it’s goodbye to a woeful week of Shortland Street. Let’s use hospital grade sanitizer to wipe away these troubled memories and together, cleansed and hygienic, we can look forward to the episodes ahead. May they be filled with healthy newborn babies, non-illegal plastic surgery, slow cookers bursting with chickpea curry and unicorns dancing on the reception desk. Not too much to ask, is it?


Click here to watch Shortland Street on TVNZ Ondemand

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