After week six on The Bachelor NZ, some of the greatest minds in the country* assemble to talk about the big issues including Ceri’s tragic expressions and eerie similarities with Twilight.
Anny Ma on rejected cheese
What kind of world do we live in where I have to watch two people walk away from a guaranteed love match aka a FULL cheese board? Was it not at room temperature? Was the cheese below par? Did Jordan lick every piece of cheese then put it back, or not give it a rose, therefore leaving it tarnished and unloveable for any future matches?
There is no world where it’s okay to leave a cheese board that has so much cheese still left on it. I get it, this show is full of cheese already, but I’m disgusted by the blatant disregard these people (on their “first second date”) have for what was a perfectly delicious and well thought out cheese board.
Further, what kind of thoughtless asshole organises a lot of eating to be followed by a massage where you’re lying on your stomach as somebody kneads you like a lumpy ball of dough? [Flatmate’s Note: he organised it in the river so she could puke straight into the running water] [Second Flatmate’s Note: They were trying to get a Poppy 2.0 so they stuffed her full of dairy then kneaded her until she farted at their water-based date]
Nobody wants to wear activewear on a date in BRISBANE and then go down the river with you, mate. I 100% agree with Her Royal Highness Alice Brine about Jordan being a colonial man who has found himself stuck in the modern times. His conversation skills are severely lacking, because he is from a time where women just didn’t talk. He is also incredibly intimidated by the prospect of a woman not only talking, but also having her own thoughts and opinions and her own life which she also discusses on the sub-par dates (RIP REBECCA).
If your date sucks, the convo has got to be A+++++ would trade again, and that is not within the realm of rose possibility for Mr. Mauger. This needs to immediately be rectified. Eat some of your forgotten cheese, or churn some butter on a plane wing – that will make you infinitely more interesting.
Renee Church on Ceri Capulet
This is my first season watching The Bachelor NZ, and I’m left asking one question:
Is there always a girl who loses all self-esteem, bakes her stresses away, always looks like she’s accidentally dropped her phone in a volcano and also has FOMO to boot?
I don’t know if I’ll ever get an answer, but Ceri is the girl in question, and her facial expressions could be referred to as nothing less than a Shakespearean Tragedy. I wanted to pay tribute to Bachelorette Ceri, so I created some fitting fan art, capturing the many moments she wore her heart on her face.
(Can be used as a shrine and/or a phone background. Up to you.)
Jono Hutchison adds special effects
Claire Adamson on Things That Aren’t The Bachelor NZ
Saw a kitten while out on a walk.
Heard the Faith Hill song This Kiss; screeched along.
Watched an episode of The Big Ward while eating leftover birthday cake.
Tried to buy a UMO cassette before realising that shipping had made it unaffordable.
Went to the Mount Roskill New World to buy milk and Panadol in exercise socks and Birkenstocks because I was too lazy to bend over to put proper shoes on.
Read a Buzzfeed article about how Kylie Jenner did not “start wigs”.
Recalled the lyrics to the song Badgers Badgers Badgers in a Facebook chat.
Ate a bunch of cold dumplings straight out of the fridge.
Madeleine Chapman on Bachelor Bella
Is The Bachelor NZ actually a reinterpretation of the Twilight Saga?
Jordan is perfectly cast as Bella, the most boring character in movie/television history who somehow has multiple interested suitors.
Ceri is Edward Cullen, emotionally unstable and surprisingly good at playing the piano.
Mike Puru steals the show as Jacob Black, Bella’s best friend who everyone wishes Bachelor Bella will fall in love with but sadly also knows it will never happen. #TeamJacobPuru
I don’t know or care enough about either of these franchises to continue with this analogy but I think I’m onto something.
Alice Brine on the squelching
The thought of watching The Bachelor this week was right up there with the thought of throwing bricks at my own face, but I’m in too deep now. I have to watch this.
Batch and the Baes do some rock climbing or something like that. Batch gets the meanest ass camel-toe you’ve ever seen – it made me spit out my Coke Zero. Gabs has a legit panic attack and it genuinely sucks to watch her suffer – that’s not something to joke about as it’s definitely a genuine phobia. The first genuine phobia so far, unlike all the other made up ones.
Tuesday night rolls around and the first group date is some kind of horse round up in the Aussie outback. I can’t tell if I’m watching The Bachelor NZ or Farmer Wants A Wife at this point but either way they’re both boring and borderline polygamy.
I’m just waiting for one of the Baes to fall of their horse – coz that’s how that chick won last time.
Batch is on a mission to spread meningitis around the camp. Not sure if it’s called a camp on the show but that’s what it is. He’s going hundy eating face with heaps of the baes in this episode and it’s totally gross because of all the squelching. The decision to not editing out the kissing noises is one I will never understand.
After having a full blown panic attack on the rock climbing date due to a very real phobia of heights, Batch decides to take Gabs on a helicopter ride. “I know Gabs is afraid of heights but I just think it’s crack up making her go through all this sh*t so, helicopter.”
Also, upset Naz has got a face like when I found out how many Weight Watchers points chorizo sausages were.
Rebecca, who is obviously only there as a case study for her thesis in reality TV, gets kicked off. Batch says afterwards that it was because she was only there to further her career in reality TV, unlike him.
These power rankings are brought to you by Lightbox, home of the amazing Bachelor-inspired drama UnREAL. Take a peek behind the curtains of reality TV by clicking below to watch:
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