After weeks of power ranking from behind a computer, Alex Casey sits down with The Bachelor NZ‘s Art and Matilda. Together they sit a fool-proof relationship quiz, and talk about their hopes and dreams for the future.

It was what dreams are made of: Art and Matilda, together in a room. Bachelor banners. A small plate of half eaten sweet things. 10 minutes with the royal couple, just for me. I complimented their small yet delicious plate of biscuits and slices. As always happens when I draw attention to someone’s bomb-ass snack, this was misinterpreted as me wanting some. They offered me the plate. I obligingly ate a small piece of chocolate and salted caramel slice. It was extremely delicious and extremely unpaleo. There it is – your first exclusive Bachelor scoop of the day.

I handed them both quiz sheets I had earlier stolen from an atrocious website called Dating Divas Dot Com. Before you call the cops, Divas – it’s not plagiarism because I crudely added my own questions and answers and seamlessly added a new letterhead.

I asked them to write their names in the corners of their tests, like we were back in school, check it out:

Matilda definitely has the fancier writing, check out that linkage! That ‘d’ to the ‘a’ is a thing of swooping beauty and confidence. Art’s letters, on the other hand, could not be more different. Their handwriting is like chalk and cheese. Tiki and X Factor. Black Doris and White Island. So far, so incompatible.

The Diva’s quiz should settle the score. I started the clock and the race to love was on. Art’s answers are on the left and Matilda is on the right:

Art laughed raucously, “I DID eat a plastic stick!” he recalled, leaning back momentarily in his chair. But it wasn’t all jests and good fun, Art had a serious logistical problem with this question. “See, is this an American quiz? In America an entrée means a main. I’m going to choose entrée,” he said, “but I really mean main.” He wanted to make that very clear, no piddly little entrée for this strongman.

The publicist Megan yelled from the corner, “it says on Wikipedia that an entrée is the entrance dish before the main course… appetizers are usually small foods such as chips and salsa.” Art laughed and put on an effeminate voice for some reason, “oooh, sals-aaaa.” OK. Next question.

Art walked right into my trap on this one, choosing kettles as his creative activity. Whereas Matilda just bloody loves a dance, who knew that? #insightful, I know.

Art’s playing me at my own game now. He did almost all of these activities on both single and group dates, and yet he would have been perfectly happy in perpetual opening-credits mode. Good thing Matilda will have the dinner ready by the time he’s finished his hobby-filled day of push-ups. Not like that Dani: always hitting the shops.

Not to quote Borat but “wow wa wee wa” – Matilda is all about intimacy aka boning! Perhaps this explains why she refused the overnight date. She’s saving the intimacy for the two of them and their huge ring. Which she seemingly couldn’t care less about, according to this questionnaire.

Art wants to get out amongst the green, whereas Matilda would be quite happy back at the Fountain Gardens for the rest of eternity. “I’m all about rowing in circles for f****** ages,” she affirmed. I would like to point out that Matilda had almost finished the quiz by the time Art got to this question. “This is bulllshit, I’m just slow because I’m thinking really hard.”

I find it shocking that renowned perfect human specimen Art needs a stream of never-ending compliments to feel loved. Matilda’s got her fill already, carrying her and Art’s heart forever in the diamanté lattices of the very huge ring.

Art Greedy Guts Green! I don’t quite understand his selection method, perhaps isolating Ken means that he would buy him a Barbie first – or last. Also, you’ve already started a company you Rupert Murdoch hungus! As for Matilda, she’s got her Dad covered but clearly houses a disdain for charities. Honestly a filthy rich villain couple.

I think Art chose the salmon but then remembered that he will crap himself back into the Paleolithic era if he eats cream and pasta at the same time. Of course Matilda chose the ribs, adorning it with the glitz and glamour of a thousand biro stars. “The stars mean it’s really important,” she noted.

On the topic of food, I congratulated the couple on their public debut at Odette’s restaurant yesterday. Matilda showed me what they had for lunch, some kind of sausage wrapped in a pancake. We all stared at the picture of it on her phone. Art broke the tension, “now that, looks like a penis. Very phallic.” Back to the quiz.

I asked the happy couple if they had been to the movies together yet, and Art said they hadn’t, but were going to try and make it to Pitch Perfect 2 later in the week. I didn’t have the heart to tell them that it’s maybe the worst movie ever made. Art gushed, “I also chose it because Matilda is pitch perfect to me.” Excuse me whilst I play ‘The Cup Song’ on a million tiny violins. Matilda chose Footloose, presumably because Art reminds her of Bacon.

Absolute filth the pair of you.

Matilda was definitely possessed by the spirit of Michael Hill for this one, I wonder what sort of thoughtful gift Art is after. Perhaps an old wrist bandage folded into a rose? Definitely not a homemade card though, get that shite right the way away from him.

The final question, I couldn’t resist. A slam dunk by both. A perfect celebrity couple and their perfect celebrity cat. I asked them if they had thought about a celebrity name. “There’s been a few thrown around,” said Matilda, “there’s Marthur which I really liked.” Art piped up, “or…The Destroyer”. The two goofballs then descended into a sketch about them turning up at their friends place with a megaphone “The Destroyers are coming over for dinner… and they’re going to eat ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING.” I beamed. They are made for each other!

My time was up. Squeezing in one last question, I asked if we would ever seen them on TV again. “Nope” said Art, “I’m done.” Matilda was a little more diplomatic, “It would maybe be fun to do a different kind of TV show, just not right now.” I suggested a hilarious fly-on-wall pitch for Keeping Up With Marthur. Art was onboard, putting on a thick American accent: “Welcome back to Keeping Up With Marthur. Today Matilda bakes a cake because we all know that she only loves food and only food.” Matilda nudged his elbow gently and told him to shut up.

This was the Art and Matilda that had been meticulously cut out of The Bachelor TV universe. The Art that does silly voices and tries out comedy characters. The Matilda that swears and eats penis pancakes. Combined, they were pretty extraordinary. I wish them all the best on their journey to foreverlove. If they can survive Pitch Perfect 2, they can survive anything.

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Apologies for not recapping the “bum slip” that was the After the Final Rose special of The Bachelor NZ. Feel free to listen to a full rundown of it on our Fantasy Suite podcast below.

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