Our resident Outlander fanatic Tara Ward shares her thoughts from the much-anticipated return of time-travel romance series. Contains spoilers. And smoulders.
It’s taken 10 long (LOOOOONG) episodes to get to this epic moment. At last we stand united with our hoes, scythes and assorted garden implements, ready to bayonet ourselves a butcher’s feast of human intestines. Hold onto your sporrans: the Highland shit is about to hit the British fan.
Episode ten was all about man love and saliva. Spit was flying everywhere: on palms, on swords, in faces. Was there a spit roast? No! Talk about a missed opportunity.
There was also more male bonding than a NKOTB reunion concert. Rupert and Angus, Charles Stuart and Jamie, Murtagh and Jamie, Jamie and Jamie. No wonder everyone kept cheering: look at their inspiration, for the love of all things sharp and spiky.
J-Fray is officially A-OK. He sauntered through camp, one eyebrow raised as he gazed wistfully into the distance. Would Claire’s knowledge about the Battle of Prestopans prove correct? Would Charles Stuart bottle it? What was Jamie actually staring at?
Enough with the pre-battle foreplay – let’s get straight to the bloodfest.
1) Great Scot!
We’re off to a cracking start when Claire stumbles over this cheery fellow while peeing in the forest. Remember when people complained there was too much sex in Outlander? Weirdos. I’d prefer Highlander rutting over Highlander rotting.
2) “Damn my liver!” – war strategy that only the larger male brain understands
Important fact: before anything historically significant ever happens, a bunch of blokes get together to fight over who has the best hair. Step off, bitches: Jamie Fraser has been pissing all over your wigs since he got rid of that horrific early season Mom Bob.
3) Call me Chamie: Charles Stuart’s man-crush on Jamie reaches giddy new heights
Charles Stuart felt the strain of leading an army into war. Should he risk sending his men across swampy land? Does his new tartan jacket make his skin look sallow? When will the new ginger wig he ordered finally arrive?
Also, shout out to the two weediest bouncers ever.
4) Meanwhile, back at the house
Claire gathered her squad to prepare for an onslaught of disemboweled soldiers. She lined them up from shortest to tallest (apart from the one on the end, who was fired ASAP) and motivated them with an inspirational speech straight out of her WW2 Trenchfoot Academy handbook. “Our men are depending on us, and it’s important we don’t let them down,” she barked.
My eyes rolled so hard they make a clunking noise in the back of my skull.
If the men don’t die from their battle wounds, they’ll probably be suffocated to death by the heavy weight of misery pouring out from this lot. Cheer up, team – it’s not like you’re in the forest trying to take a slash near a dead body, is it?
5) “Is that a dirk I see in your hand?” Or are you just pleased to see me?
6) Angus and Rupert’s friendship is a bromance for the ages
Angus seals everlasting bromance with Rupert with a spitty handshake. It’s a budget ‘blood of my blood, bone of my bone,’ moment, made even more poignant by the globule of slobber that slowly dribbles down Angus’s palm.
Nothing says BFFs like ejected saliva, and I’m glad these two will live happily ever after in Castle Leoch drinking whiskey and picking nits out of each other’s hair. LA LA LA I DON’T WANT TO HEAR ANY OTHER POSSIBLE ENDINGS THANK YOU.
7) Jamie and Rupert just heard Briscoes is having a 50% sale this weekend
8) Somebody give him Dr Phil’s contact details
“I don’t believe my father is really that fond of me,” whimpers Charles Stuart as the Highlanders prepare to go into battle. This is awkward, Charles. Maybe we could talk about your Daddy issues another time, like quarter past never.
9) In a surprise move, Dougal goes into a swamp and gets stuck
Not entirely sure what this was about. Why would you ride into a swamp if only to prove it was swampy? It’s like drinking whiskey to see if it’s wet, or letting a herd of cattle loose in a prison to see if they can sniff out a sadomasochist and trample him to near-death. Of COURSE it’s going to happen, chump.
Still, Dougal’s horse got as much air time as Claire did this episode, so I applaud the show’s valiant efforts to improve equine representation in television.
10) Not sure about you, but this would make me surrender immediately
11) Angus is struck down by a cannonball of bad luck
Poor wee Angus. While Jamie and Claire indulged in some post-battle pashing, and Dougal lost his shit in front of the Prince, Angus was bleeding to death. I’m no medical professional, but I’ve seen five episodes of Doc Martin and I’m pretty sure that’s hard to come back from.
Blood spurted everywhere as Angus struggled to take his last breaths. At times he neighed like a horse. What were his last gargled words? “Hold me?” “Ginger kisses?” “Spit on this?” We’ll never know.
12) He’s no Big Red, but at least it’s still the same gene pool
Pour yourself a dram and dive into the new season Outlander on Lightbox below (new episodes arriving every Sunday at 7pm)
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