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Shortland Street Power Rankings – Leanne is ready for her close-up

Tara Ward brings you her Shortland Street Power Rankings for last week, including Detective Curtis and Ferndale’s PR nightmare. 

1) Rachel steers the ship only slightly askew

This week’s drama put the ‘eeeee’ into ‘CEO’ for Rachel. Word spread that Rachel had employed George The Fake Doctor, meaning she found herself waist deep in a public relations puddle of man-bun trouble.

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The stench from the stagnant waters of managerial error was so powerful that Rachel needed vast amounts of codeine to block her olfactory nerve. “My power rankings are on the skids,” Rachel wailed, after some intense scolding from the DHB. NOT ON MY WATCH, QUEEN.

2) Curtis is more persistent than a blowfly on a barbeque

“You’re obsessed with Victoria,” Jack whimpered to Curtis. “That’s cos she tried to gas our mum, bro,” Curtis replied, which is a fairly sound reason for hacking into his stepmother’s phone in the search for evidence. Curtis’ superb detective skills put DI Foster to shame.

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3) Drew: welcome to the twilight world of undercover surgery

I’m bloody loving this new power couple. Drew and Boyd are the Beyoncé and Jay Z of Ferndale, undermining society from the inside out and bringing you a new type of music that will blow your mind.

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Drew agreed to chuck a square of plastic into Drew’s thigh in the hope of curing cancer. As you do. He then insisted Boyd stay with him to recuperate, but mostly so they could stay up late talking about Taylor Swift’s new haircut and kissing girls and stuff.

4) Leanne is ready for her close up

 We needn’t panic when the hospital is mid-crisis, because Leanne’s on crowd control. She’s not surprised that George wasn’t really a doctor: “a grown man with his hair in a bun? It’s a cry for help.” Somebody get this woman a job in recruitment, ASAP.

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 5) Chris Warner is still a dreamboat

 Holy guacamole, Chris Warner may be 49 but he’s still got it. He had my heart fluttering like a tea towel in a Southerly when he supported Rachel in her time of need. He was so supportive I’m going to start dreaming about marrying him again, a fantasy I haven’t indulged in since fourth form.

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Chris vowed to give up all his hair product if it would stop Rachel becoming a codeine-loving junkie. What a beautiful moment on their couch, where last week they… well, you know. Let’s not ruin this beautiful moment by remembering that dark day.

6) Ferndale is a land of rain and cloud without the sunshine that is Virginia

 Virginia was shipped off to Tokyo quicker than you can say ‘best wardrobe ever’ because she knows too much about the inner workings of Fentich’s polymer implants… or something. What the bloody hell is in those bits of plastic, a tiny cluster of world leaders planning nuclear war?

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Goodbye Virginia. Your far-too-short return to Ferndale was like a televisual ice-cream sundae with colourful sprinkles on top: delicious, nutricious, and always leaving me wanting more.

I THINK I BLOODY LOVE YOU, VIRGINIA.

7) Bella is a harbinger of doom

“If one more inappropriate thing happens at this hospital, look out,” Bella said, just in case Drew and Boyd were considering secret surgery with a piece of stolen medical equipment.

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Bella was spewing that Dayna up and left, leaving her to single-handedly run three businesses. To me it made perfect sense that Bella utilised her coping skills by getting blind drunk and talking to her house ghost Melissa. Love your work, Bella.


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