Tara Ward brings you this week’s Shortland Street Power Rankings, including Virginia’s car crash, Gareth’s window shopping and the saddest Christmas tree yet.
1) Boyd said bye bye to bachelorhood with a hangover from hell
Boyd knows how to party like an S-Club party. He spent his last days as a single man in a groggy haze of tequila and pink feathers, cracking jokes and sharing the love. Sounds bloody great to me, so why you look so rough, Doc?
2) Victoria made an after-hours house call and was trapped below a glass ceiling
Well, well, well.
Drew and Victoria got drunk, had sex, and talked an awful lot about feelings and shit. Overall, it was too much for a Monday night.
Victoria’s post-coital glow quickly disappeared when she missed out on the House Surgeon job. Victoria blamed the rejection on a medical glass ceiling held together by a rigid network of old boys in suits, rather than the fact she has the bedside manner of a fridge freezer.
She also blamed Drew, because…well, why the hell not?
3) Gareth was the worst mystery shopper of all time
Who was this mysterious figure shrouded in black, peeking through doors and skulking about exam rooms? Did Rachel hire him to conduct a secret evaluation of the hospital customer service standards?
Ferndale’s answer to Jason Bourne lurked about, taking random photos of desks and security cameras. He also took a picture of his eggs hollandaise from the cafe, which received a dizzy 27 likes on Instagram.
Our mystery shopper was Gareth, spurned chest-drain supplier and perspiring father of the underage boob job. In a revealing insight, we discovered Gareth lives in a windowless cube filled with enough mail-order firearms to get a job working for Story.
4) Virginia was as persistent as a fungal infection
Where once Gin was feisty and determined, she is now jealous and desperate. And not a floral frock in sight! Things really have gone downhill.
With nothing better to do other than immerse herself in a tepid bath filled with Drew McCaskill angst and suspicion, Virginia drunkenly crashes her car into a wall. Perhaps she should just try a new hobby, like blogging or windsurfing?
5) Susan is the fiercest Mother of the Law since, ever
Susan said what we were all thinking: Boyd needs to 3D print himself a pair of magical flying shoes so that he can escape Harper and her family of crazy criminals, stat.
Suck it up, Harper. It’s Miranda bloody Harcourt, she can say whatever the hell she likes.
6) Spurious George casually wanders back into Dayna’s life
George finally returned from Christchurch/England/Nepal/nobody cares. Dayna’s response? A startled combination of ‘you look like someone I pashed once’ and ‘I think I left the iron on,’ mixed with a dollop of ‘praise be, George discovered shampoo’.
7) Margaret really needs a lunatic with a gun right now
It’s a well-known fact that boxes of medical supplies nearly always reveal employee fraud.
Bazinga! Drew discovered the nine million half-empty suture boxes and exposed Margaret’s phony invoices. They don’t call him Razor McCaskill for nothing. Actually, nobody calls Drew that, which is a shame because he took about twelve seconds to solve a crime that an expert auditor missed.
Margaret’s screwed. The only way she could squirm out of this mess would be if a crazed gunman were to enter the hospital, firing rounds of faulty chest drains into ED. But what’s the likelihood of that happening?
See you at the wedding. I’ll be the one wearing the big hat.
More from The Spinoff on Shortland Street:
– The music video for the best Harry Warner-themed pop song of 2015
– An interview with James Mustapic about creating Shortland Street-themed musical magic
– Interviewing Shortland Street producer Simon Bennett about tonight’s Christmas cliffhanger… on a cliff
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