Alex Casey over-analyses the first short teaser for The Bachelor NZ.
The brand new, sequin-laden teaser promo for The Bachelor NZ dropped on Valentine’s Day harder than Matilda falling off a wild horse called Paris. And, much like the sensually stripped-back song that accompanies the 45 second clip, it’s got me all bloody shook up.
I have since spent an extended amount of time in The Spinoff Promo Video Analysis Lab and here are some conclusions I have come to about the pending season of The Bachelor NZ. Jump in the spa, get Black Doris to whip up a sundae and sprawl out like Meowser: it’s time to get the rumour mill churning.
The Civic is the new French Country house
The Bachelor, presumably on his way to the opening night of The Phantom of the Opera, dresses himself in the wings. There’s no kettles, no pull-up bar, no CleanPaleo dust around his nostrils. He’s a refined gentleman, so au fait with wearing black tie that he can dress himself in even the dimmest of light. Check out the suit jacket delicately resting gently on the chair, he’s no animal. Elsewhere in the Civic, women are dotted around stairwells. I’m also assuming Tiki Taane is locked in the Winter Gardens, Michael Hill is chiseling out the fake stars in the ceiling for his new “forever” collection, and Mike Puru has locked himself in a toilet.
Hold on, The Bachelor might actually be The Phantom of the Opera
Think about it: he seems to live in the rafters of the Civic theatre. He keeps mirrors tilted away from his face, and walks in well-placed shadows. Perhaps, when the women avert their gaze and whisper as he glides by, it is actually because of his hideously deformed face?
The Bachelor might also be part Jigglypuff
Another truly amazing thing happens when the (presumably) masked man walks past women – he induces a lengthy blink. This is no quick eye-moisten, seconds – nay, hours – pass and their eyes are still gently closed. It happened to this woman at the top of the stairs:
And this woman reclining on a chaise lounge (can you blame her though, comfy)
All I’m saying is, I hope the mansion has a bloody Nespresso machine because this gigolo Jigglypuff is going to take them on a group date to R.E.M. town.
A subtle f u to the sanctity of marriage
Move over, obscenely large “will you be my girlfriend” ring of yonder year. It’s 2016, the year of Filthy Rich, and we are all about HUGE diamond engagement rings – just NOT worn on the ring finger. Yep, you’ll notice through our extensive forensic analysis that this gorgeous ring is resting on the middle finger, basically flipping the bird to The Bachelor and any mad idea that this show will ever end in marriage. We are chilled out Kiwis, we aren’t going to embarrass ourselves by committing to anyone over anything as flashy as bloody love. You’d honestly be better off with a Burger Ring.
Strange offerings be afoot
Forget the haiku, the freestyle raps, the open-mouth kisses: this year it is going to be all about gifting greenery to win over the heart of Art Green 2.0.
According to Mike Puru’s instagram, The Bachelor NZ is returning in March. Get back into the swing of things by watching UnREAL on Lightbox, an amazing drama set behind-the-scenes of a Bachelor-style universe.