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Adventures with Schemey MacSchemeface, and other thoughts on Outlander S02E06

Our resident Outlander fanatic Tara Ward shares her thoughts from the much-anticipated return of time-travel romance series. Contains spoilers. And smoulders. 

There was so much plotting and conspiracy in this week’s episode of Outlander that Jamie Fraser officially changed his name by deed poll to ‘Schemey MacSchemeface’. Charles Stuart schemed with Jamie, Jamie schemed against the Comte, Claire schemed with anyone who would listen, and Louise just got drunk.

Intoxication may be the best way forward, given this episode marks the beginning of the slippery slope towards Culloden Moor and the ruin of Highland society (sob). Let’s save the gut-wrenching tragedy for later, and enjoy our weekly fix of ginger curls, lace sleeves, glow-in-the-dark stallions and wine – lots of wine.

Hoist yourself onto your trusty steed and hold on tight, as we gallop into into the dark world of Outlander, episode six.

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1) Where did I put my night vision goggles

It appears episode six was filmed inside a cupboard, at night, during a power cut. It’s certainly atmospheric, even if all I can see is a horse’s arse.

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It gets worse. There’s the sound of wine bottles being opened – a noise I’d recognize in my sleep – and the contents tipped onto the ground. Every delicious ‘glug’ is a knife to my heart, making me cry tears of 12.5% alcohol. Millions of innocent grapes, ripe with potential and possibility, now lying wasted upon the filthy ground. Perhaps it’s best I can’t see this with my own eyes.

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Hold the phone, imagine if the spilling of the wine was a metaphor for the Jacobite Uprising – the needless waste of life, the loss of a happy future, bodies lying ruined on Culloden Moor or stuck in a dark cupboard staring bleakly at a horse’s arse. OMG, this whole pitch-black filter thing is bloody genius. Outlander is a televisual onion: SO MANY LAYERS.

2) Claire totes has it all, therefore not tempting fate in any way

Two husbands, a baby on the way, hundreds of matching hats and gloves, a fulfilling career tending to the sick and pustulent, and unlimited access to dead-man moisturizer. Life is tres magnifique (that’s French for ‘kick-ass amazing’).

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3) Cheer up, love, it might never happen

“We may find ourselves staring into the bottom of the abyss that is Culloden Moor,” Jamie muses, as he and Claire settle down for another romantic evening in Chez Fraser. Later, they enjoy a candlelight dinner and discuss the effect of syphilis on the brain. Sigh, so romantic.

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4) This is what it felt like to watch episode six 

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5) Claire came to save the world, not to be mansplained to

Not only does the Executioner/Doctor (confusing job-share situation) make Claire wash a dead body, but he also gives a riveting lecture on how to draw and quarter a hanged man. Pull out the heart in one swift movement, blah blah blah – enough already, where’s that funny little dog that sniffs out pus?

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6) “Murtagh’s angry” – nothing gets past our Claire

Not sure what gave it away: the slammed doors, the sarcastic comments, or the fact he called Jamie and Claire a pair of idiots. Or was that me? Hard to tell.

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7) Subtitles are awesome

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8) 20th Century History 101 with Professor Claire Fraser

Claire’s time travel secret is out, but Murtagh was too busy doing the world’s crappiest Sudoku to notice. Claire points out her significant dates: born in 1918, helped broker world peace in 1945, and in 1937 she bought the cutest pair of leather boots, on special at 40% off.

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9) Saint Germain and Jamie argue over who has the best hair

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10) Book Group Night at Louise’s (aka Get Sloshed On Wine Night, aka Every Night)

It’s fun to hang out with the BFFs, discussing current affairs and wondering why the Baron can’t get it up. But Claire’s the friend you wish you hadn’t invited, because she kills the mood quicker than you can say “doesn’t it depress you how this city treats the poor and underprivileged?” More wine for everyone!

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11) If you go down to the woods today, you’re in for a big surprise

Haven’t these clowns ever seen The Princess Bride? You never go into the fire swamp!

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12) Remember that time Jamie pierced Black Jack’s testicles with his sword, Claire began to haemorrhage, and Jamie got arrested?

Crap. Schemey McSchemeface is going down.

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13) Finally, does Charles Stuart make anyone else feel uncomfortable? 

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What about you, Louise?

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Pour yourself a dram and dive into the new season Outlander on Lightbox below (new episodes arriving every Sunday at 7pm)

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