What a sexy week. Actually no, sexy then devastating. Like dropping a delicious gateau into a pile of mud. Or, indeed, dropping a scandal queenie onto a dancefloor on national television. The elimination of Colin Mathura Jeffree has sent shockwaves through the nation, with the social movement #CornrowsforColin truly taking Twitter by force.
Goodbye my Colin, goodbye my friend. You are gone too soon, but I wish you well in your new life as a vigilante sequinned bandit named Scalp Man. Your enemies will cower when they see what horrific things you will call them in chocolate sauce on a South Pacific cafeteria plate.
Other powers include: eye makeup powers, blue steel powers and panethnic powers. Onto the show.
1) Pam Corkery
Pam’s gone crazy this week, claiming to have laughed hysterically in her car on the way to the dancing and doing some loud gurgling about Hayley never coming to Venice with her again. She can never, ever go home. You hear me New Zealand? It is imperative that Pam never leaves our TV screens, no matter how unbearably slow and seven-dwarfs-going-to-the-mine esque her Samba to ‘Hey Baby’ was. If she is the type of talent out at Boogie Wonderland at 3am, there’s no place I’d rather be. Pam for President.
2) Shane Cameron
An exceptionally touching interpretative dance about one man’s ridiculous journey back to his delicious milkshake.
3) Siobhan Marshall
We all know Siobhan Marshall could well be the actual best dancer in this competition. She can do it all – wigs, animal rescue, Googling Brazil – to the highest of standards. She was a dead ringer for Cyd Charisse in Singing in the Rain this week. This is a good thing because obviously look at her legs, and a bad thing because she’s in all the boring parts of the movie that I fast forward through:
Siobhan also got Candy to do an impersonation of a “weird twitch”, which is a prize in itself.
4) Simon Barnett
I weirdly became quite smitten with Simon after his romantic rumba, despite the awful cover of a cover of a cover song and satin shirt that made him look like he had just slaughtered a unicorn backstage.
After knee-gate last week, Simon has been sent to the physio and strapped up to the nines. “it’s still a bit ginger though”, he laments.
5) Chrystal Chenery
In a demeaning move by the DWTSNZ producers, Chrystal had to do a Pasa D’oble in front of some terrible first year Natcoll student-made virtual roses.
Pasa d’oble sounds like some sort of delicious cheese dish, when in actuality it’s just you flouncing your skirt around at an invisible bull for a few minutes. Chrystal got nailed by the judges for her poor characterisation of the invisible bullfighting skirt lady, and she explained that she struggled a bit with the sass.
You’re telling me.
6) Teuila Blakely
Dancing With the Stars is famously the land of the deep V, and this week Teuila went for a VERY high V on her interesting tog costume. She performed a smoking hot rumba to ‘Thinking Out Loud’ by cover artist Fred Sheeran, ending up spent in a pile in Scott’s arms.
“Sorry son,” she said bashfully after that total smokeshow. I just hope he doesn’t have snapchat…
7) Ben Barrington
Ben Borington (Ⓒ Duncan Greive Inc) took to the party rocking floor this week after an extended session at St John’s. Safe in the knowledge that he could resuscitate Stefano if he collapses at the sight of his LMFAO-inspired ‘Running Man’, Ben really let rip like some non-green version of The Mask:
8) Jay Jay Harvey
Scandal Queenie had a massive tumble this week, foreshadowed almost immediately when she was carried out into the middle of the d-floor like a giant mohawked baby:
The dance was all going fine until Jay Jay attempted the classic Latin move called ‘The Snake’. She botched up the lift, slowly slipping down Enrique’s body and plonked on the ground, legs kicking all haywire like a baby deer being electrocuted. You’ve all seen it a million times.
If you want more Dancing With the Stars coverage, and I can’t imagine why you wouldn’t, listen to the second episode of our podcast below:
Join The Spinoff Members for as little as $1 to help us hire more journalists and do more investigations. Or get a free Toby Morris-designed tea towel when you contribute $80 or more over a year.
The Spinoff Weekly compiles the best stories of the week – an essential guide to modern life in New Zealand, emailed out on Monday evenings.