Tara Ward brings you this week’s Shortland Street Power Rankings, including Boyd’s boring babysitting and Esther’s terrible needlework.
1) Return of the Mac(kenna)
I figured Rachel had been sucking on the nitrous gas last week, especially after she came over all feeble and let blackmailer Gareth and his dodgy medical wares into her hospital. Thankfully, the giddy fumes have dispersed. The Queen of Ferndale reigns supreme once more.
Rachel gave Sweaty Gareth the short sharp shrift – banishing him and his inferior chest drains from the kingdom of Ferndale. Gareth responded in a calm and rational manner.
Nor did Rachel have any patience for Virginia’s relationship dramas last week. That sneer, that eye roll. Rachel, you are too kind.
Chris persuaded Rachel to accompany him to Boston, where he’s speaking at a conference for Doctors With Great Hair. Rachel was exhausted after being back at work for at least a fortnight, and packed her bag quicker than you could say ‘Mark Wahlberg is Rachel’s teenage crush’.
Travel well, Rachel. May Boston bring forth both the rhythm and the rhyme to you and your funky bunch.
2) Boyd is every parent’s nightmare
Would you trust this man with your child?
No. The answer is NO. He’ll talk to it in his monotone voice about 3D printers and boarding school. Before you know it the kid will be fast asleep, which would obviously be a TERRIBLE THING.
3) Virginia puts the fern into of Ferndale
Virginia is a breath of fresh air into the musty corridors of Shortland Street. Even though she’s a scheming, plant-throwing fruitcake, I admire her pluck and covet her vast collection of floral-print frocks.
Spurned by her love-god husband, Virginia spread rumours that Drew was really a baby-hating, arm-grabbing cad. When her plot for revenge failed, Virginia collected her pot plant and departed Shortland Street forever. And by forever, I mean probably until next week.
The fern will keep Virginia warm on those lonely nights when she’s awake at 2am, bawling over Thighmaster infomercials and cursing the day she let Drew McCaskill stride into her life. It’s also an excellent missile to launch at her ex-husband’s head.
Drew is so tall! How in God’s name did you miss him, Virginia?! #crapshot
4) Esther fails to make her point
A doctor with a fear of needles is bad. It’s like a builder being allergic to wood, or a Prime Minister being scared of apologising. It makes no sense.
Even a shopping spree with Kylie failed to improve Esther’s low self-esteem. How can Esther save the world one weeping orifice at a time, if she can’t even effectively drain the life-blood from her patients?
I’m not sure, but I feel the life being drained out of me every time I see that giant fecking needle.
5) Dayna paints over her problems
No George this week, as he’s stuck in a time and space continuum somewhere between Canterbury, NZ and Canterbury, UK. Dayna mourned the absence of her bedraggled fiancée so severely that the grief turned her colorblind.
Luckily Wendy, Muzza and Big Jim can recognise a pink shitfest when they see one, and joined together to save Dayna’s new business venture. Interior decorators around the world, rejoice!
6) Kylie inspires women everywhere
This week’s Shortland Street life lesson came courtesy of Little Miss Sunshine, Kylie:
“Esther, having a problem and dealing with it doesn’t make you any less of a doctor. Just like not wearing heels doesn’t make you any less of a woman. You’re awesome, just the way you are”.
7) Leanne cures poverty with wine and cheese
It must nearly be Christmas, because the Shortland Street staff just found their conscience. Sipping their double chai lattes, they’re struck by an overwhelming sense of guilt over the children who go to school hungry, have only one smart TV, or missed out on their annual jaunt to Fiji this year.
Leanne organized a wine and cheese fundraiser. I’m not sure how these work. Do you get so drunk and bloated that you lose your senses completely, leaving Leanne to rifle freely through the contents of your wallet? Sign me up, it sounds like a winner.
8) Curtis drives his way to Dicksville
Just when we were beginning to like him, Curtis goes and commits two whole crimes with his idiot mates. If Lucy were in town, she’d wash his mouth out with a freshly made bar of organic garlic and gorse soap.
Enough already, Curtis. In the immortal words of many a Shortland Street writer: you’re being a dick.
Between the flying furniture, motivational speeches and fundraising drives, there’s never a dull moment in Ferndale. Will Esther take to wearing high heels? Will Leanne source enough wine and cheese to save the children? Will Dayna match the blinds to the carpet? With so many questions, let’s leave the answer to Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch: come on, come on / feel it, feel it. Exactly.
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