After week seven on The Bachelor NZ, some of the greatest minds in the country* assemble to talk about the big issues including Jordan’s poor connecting skills, that mannequin, and life after The Bachelor.
Anny Ma on Connect Four
Never trust somebody who can’t play Connect Four. Never trust Beyoncé when you lose to her in Connect Four either, right ‘Ye?
Sorry, momentarily distracted by something infinitely times more interesting. Let me bach-track and get down to business.
This week on The Bachelor we learned how to play games, lots of games, one of which was Connect Four. As demonstrated by Kanye and Beyoncé, Connect Four is a game which we’ve been familiar with for many decades now, and the aim of it is to get four of your coloured tokens in a row. It’s kind of like when the girls at the rose ceremony are wearing the same colour, you know?
Despite the potential for tears, you cannot – under any circumstances – trust somebody who sucks at Connect Four. Kate is not an example of this. She knows that you have to go for the middle and create enough room on either side (3 spaces obvs) to allow you complete lateral mobility. Jordan, on the other hand, is not as good at Connect Four as he is at making conversation (spoiler: NOT GOOD AT ALL).
“Look, we’re in the middle of a giant game (with ur hearts) but I know, let’s play another giant game (sans hearts)”
I’m excellent at Connect Four. I’m also excellent at life and talking to people about more than their feelings and their desires to have children and their other really uninteresting and unnecessarily deep life stories. Causation or correlation? We’ll never know.
Jordan’s Connect Four inadequacies are unsurprising given his track record on this show. But if he can’t Connect Four how can we expect him to know how to Connect Two?
“I’m not very good at losing but I just did, also where is your right foot?”
Renee Church on mannequin Jordan
I was fearing for my life during the second episode this, when a terrifying receptionist mannequin appeared in the Bay of Islands. Look, I don’t know anything about this mannequin, it might be a really nice guy, but it looks like it’s seen some things.
One of the Bachelorettes made an amazing observation that it looked like Jordan, and I thought “What if receptionist mannequin Jordan was Bachelor Jordan?” So, I took to MS Paint, and I think we can all agree, this Jordan is way less boring.
Here we have him on a stroll with Naz, shooting the breeze with Gabs, picking Ceri up off the side of the road and attending a murder… wait, no a rose ceremony.
Claire Adamson on peeing
I have a confession to make following last night’s episode of the Bachelor: I, Claire Adamson, only peed in the sea as an adult for the first time last year.
I lived in Europe for three years during my twenties, and during that time, swam a grand total of four times. My arrival back in New Zealand saw me at Herne Bay beach almost every night during summer, and a day wasn’t complete until I’d swum out to look at the chump commuters as they crossed the harbour bridge.
As blissful as this sounds, it was not without its downsides. If you’ve had even just one VB, you will inevitably need to pee, and getting wet togs off to do the deed – as any one-piece-wearing woman will tell you – is no laughing matter. And although I tried as hard as I could, I just couldn’t pee in the sea.
Friends ridiculed me, and taunted me by looking me square in the eye while announcing, “I’m peeing”. One particular friend climbed some rocks at the far end of the beach and peed majestically into the Waitamata harbour while looking out to the sunset. Meanwhile I was plugged up tighter than a bottle of Cloudy Bay Pelorus in Naz’s hands.
One fateful day last summer, at Minnehaha Beach on Auckland’s North Shore, I was determined. I would not leave the water until I had completed my mission (Minnehaha, for all its good points, has no public bathroom). The sun was almost setting as my friends – my main cheerleaders in this task – waited patiently on the rocks. A moment, and then Success! I walked out of the ocean beaming. I have never felt such pride in myself.
Kate: if you’re reading this, I salute you.
Alice Brine on phake phobias
The thought of watching The Bachelor NZ right now is way up there with the thought of going to a Daphne and Celeste reunion concert, where all they play is the acoustic tracks off their new album. Nevertheless, here I am watching this show again.
Sounding more like John Key than ever before, Batch says “I’m getting to see their fun side and also their serious side.” I can’t tell if he’s talking about the women, or if he’s talking about a Cobb & Co™ kids menu? Regardless, everyone’s just in it for the free corn popper things.
Batch and Ceri go on a date in someone’s actual garage. Last time I was on a date in someone’s garage it looked a bit different to that (it was in the Hutt).
Like most people, Storm doesn’t really give a shit about the kangaroo at the zoo. The other Baes are petting the kangaroo and can’t understand Storm’s totally valid boredom. Storm says “we shoot these things back home” which was a cool and fun way to learn that she must be from Australia originally.
Fleur and Batch jet off for a bit of dating and exchanging of shit paintings. They have such good chat. Like, I just love listening to all that good chat they have. That solid, awesome banter.
We learn that Naz has gotten over her phobia of water very quickly, she’s really good at swimming and making out with Batch in the ocean. I also think Naz will win.
Naz returns from her date wearing an ugly shell ring. “Looking at Naz’ fingers,” Kate says, “I can’t work out if that ring is on the left or the right.” Normally what would happen is that you would just look at their hands and be able to determine if you’re looking at a left hand or a right hand. I love Kate because she peed on the canoe that time.
After going through a big not-texting-back phase, Storm is voted out of the tribe. I’ve never seen her so happy.
Duncan Greive on the unbearable sadness of lost love
There’s a trend developing amongst the ejected bachelorettes. When their final episode airs they ‘take to social media’ to express how distraught they are at having left the show without a cool new friendly man. Check out these three recent ejectees to see how raw the wounds are:
Lara left without a man – but with a tan. Gutted!
Ceri is beside herself!
— Ceri McVinnie (@Cerijuice) April 18, 2016
Storm with a teacup. Look at that face! Will she ever recover?
These power rankings are brought to you by Lightbox, home of the amazing Bachelor-inspired drama UnREAL. Take a peek behind the curtains of reality TV by clicking below to watch:
The Spinoff Daily gets you all the day's best reading in one handy package, fresh to your inbox Monday-Friday at 5pm.