Tara Ward brings you her rankings for last week, including Drew’s transformation into a vampire, Curtis’ love for Chickpea Casserole and Boyd’s peaking paranoia.
1) Don’t panic, Boyd – it’s probably just hormonal
Boyd hit peak paranoia this week. He lost his bag and found it again, which can mean only one thing: Fentich are on to him and his polymer insert. OMG, someone alert DI Foster.
A more likely explanation for Boyd’s forgetfulness is that he’s pregnant with Fentich’s baby. When I was pregnant I always misplaced things, like putting the remote in the freezer. That polymer insert is seeping all sorts of weird shit into Boyd’s blood stream, and I’ve read heaps of Daily Mail stories about men with wombs. If I were Boyd I’d be peeing on a stick, stat.
2) Some bloke from the Warriors makes an exciting cameo experience
TK: “Wasn’t that, ah…”
3) Curtis held a dinner party and the guest of honour was Wendy’s Chickpea Casserole
Curtis was a bloody champ who ate his weight three times over this week. He finished a massive plate of Victoria’s award-winning Pad Thai With ExtraMorphine, but foiled her cunning plan to make him fail his drug test. Hungry for more drama, he then ate an entire chickpea casserole at the ‘Adopt The Ali’ dinner party. Wendy would be proud.
4) I make this same face when Boyd and Bella get romantic
5) Ali and Lucy’s relationship is stuck in the mud
Lucy and Ali enjoyed a picnic of misery at Ferndale’s most scenic swamp, where the putrid stench from the stagnant waters burned the lining of their nostrils so they couldn’t taste their food. Will Ali ever earn enough money to pay back his parents? (No). Will they ever accept Lucy in their family? (No). Is anyone going to eat that last piece of cake? (No).
6)Drew’s shiny orb radiates light and joy over Ferndale
Drew, you are the sunshine in my life. Five nights a week you brighten my screen like a sudden flash of potentially harmful UV light, saving us from being bogged down by morose swamp picnickers or idiot polymer inserting surgeons.
It was Blood Week, which TK and Harper banged on about like it’s some kind of vital service without which we’ll all die painful deaths. Drew donned a vampire suit in an effort to recruit donors, called Finn ‘a punk’, and made a totes hilarious face when Bella and Boyd pashed. How we laughed!
7) Stevie just heard Boyd mention ‘polymer insert’ for the nine millionth time
8) Love is a drug for Victoria
Oh, the shame of being outsmarted by Curtis. Victoria scrambled like a free-range egg on hot teflon to hold onto her perfect life – the one where she lives with an old man whose children hate her and whose wife is in prison for a crime Victoria committed.
How much longer will Victoria sit pretty in the Mo Hannah lap of love? Their romance has so many feels it makes me want to eat a big plate of Pad Thai laced with mind-altering pharmaceuticals.
9) Lucy’s lightbox is as legendary as George’s man bun
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The Spinoff Weekly compiles the best stories of the week – an essential guide to modern life in New Zealand, emailed out on Monday evenings.