Tara Ward brings you her rankings for Shortland Street, including TK’s testosterone, fruit mince pies and a wild Warner week.
1) Chris goes commando and all is right with the world again
Colour me happy, because that was the best Warner week since 1992. In truth, it should have been terrible. Chris couldn’t turn the TV on – again. He was forced to save Glen’s life. Heartless bint Rachel refused to answer Chris’s calls, he lost his beer when Mo confessed feelings for Kate, and he risked his own life trying to commando roll out of Kate’s bedroom window.
Who does Chris think he is, Magnum bloody P.I.? Yet, despite these calamities – and the massive thorn impaled in his arse cheek – there was a sparkle in Chris Warner’s eyes that we’ve not seen since he taught Harry that flax was a type of lily. You go, girl.
2) TK tries to out-testerone the world. Again.
It’s hormones at dawn. Winner gets…absolutely nothing.
3) Kate’s love life bottoms out
Chris and Kate found themselves in an awkward position, but this time it had nothing to do with sex. The world is full of hidden meaning, and even a prickle in your butt is the universe telling you something (mostly, don’t jump out of windows).
But what was the universe telling Kate when it led her to both Chris Warner’s right buttock and Mo’s soft, pashable lips? So many body parts, so much existential confusion.
4) Drew learns that Cam’s latest storyline involves fruit mince pies
We feel your pain, Drew.
5) Ruby refuses to check on the salads
Ruby attended Nicole and Vinnie’s incredibly boring barbeque, a mind-numbing event where Nicole continually ordered her guests to check on the salads. For the love of all things crunchy and nutritious, it’s been five minutes, WON’T SOMEONE PLEASE CHECK ON THE SALADS.
Ruby was not impressed. She was there to put the moves on her new boss, not to monitor salad conditions. The coleslaw might be riddled with dancing salmonella and Ruby would be like ‘whatevs, I got a marriage to destroy’. You do you, Ruby.
6) Sass was annoying
Sass and Damo’s power struggle to be the most annoying character on Shortland Street continued. Sass agreed to be seen in public with Damo, and in return he promised to hack into Chris’s emails. Seems fair, especially as Chris’ inbox mostly consists of GrabOne offers for colonic hydrotherapy and kindly worded requests from Nigerian royalty.
In other news, Sass declared she doesn’t pick her nose. Good to know.
7) Hayden and Glen, I dunno, whatever
Blah, blah, blah, who cares.
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