Tara Ward ranks her favourite moments from the past week of Ferndale hijinks. This week: Pania exits stage left, Harry spews a geyser and we mourn for poor Pixie.
1) RIP Pikitea
When last Friday’s episode ended with the Hannah whanau enjoying a rare state of joy, it could only mean one thing: grief and misery lay ahead.
The week began ominously. Everyone was so bloody happy.
Look at those gorgeous, healthy, content people.
EVERYTHING IS POINTING TO A WEEK OF DOOM AND HEARTBREAK.
Hanging out at the Warner’s bach, Chris takes Harry and Pixie for a bushwalk. He tells them flax is a type of lily, a gleaming nugget of information that blows my mind.
While Chris disappears to take a phone call, Harry and Pixie pose for a selfie. Before Harry’s had a chance to Instagram the photo, he slips and falls into the river. Bloody kids and social media.
His leg is trapped, and with no sign of Chris, Pixie enters the cold river to keep Harry above water.
Pixie keeps Harry afloat until Chris remembers he’s on parent patrol and arrives to help. Pixie, you’re a hero! We can be happy again now that everyone’s okay. Right? RIGHT?!
Pleased, were we? Think again. Pixie develops pneumonia and is admitted to hospital. She knows it’s bad, and tells Harry where she wants her ashes to be scattered. In a tender moment they express their love for each other. Aww, you guys.
Before long, Pixie struggles to breathe. “I’m scared,” she tells Mo. “I got you,” he tenderly assures her. Is it dusty in here? My eyes are streaming.
Pixie’s condition deteriorates and the Hannahs prepare for the worst. Chris performs the fiercest CPR in the history of all medical TV dramas, but it’s not enough. Pixie passes away, surrounded by her whanau and friends.
I haven’t bawled this much over a TV show since Claire died on McLeod’s Daughters. Shortland Street, you are a cruel mistress.
2) Harry hits river rock bottom
Harry’s week started well, spending quality time with Pixie and giving romantic birthday presents. Good to see the Warner luck-with-the-ladies gene lives on in the next generation.
Back at Shortland Street, Harry lapses into unconsciousness. White foam spurts from his mouth in a scene reminiscent of Pohutu Geyser at Te Whakarewarewa. It’s simultaneously disgusting and impressive.
Harry is diagnosed with Secondary Drowning. “It’s very rare,” Boyd reassures Chris. “You couldn’t be expected to pick it up, nobody could.” If only Harry was in a hospital filled with medical professionals who could have checked for this.
Harry blames himself for Pixie’s death and insists that nothing – not even a rampaging Curtis – will prevent him attending the tangi to say goodbye. (Props to Thomasin McKenzie for staying so still).
3) Curtis is a sultry superhero
This boy has TROUBLE written all over him. He’s a walking smirk in a tight pair of pants, desperate to convince Lucy to forget he slept with pal Dayna and jump into bed with him.
Smooth talker Curtis has astonishing powers of textual persuasion.
What is a ‘dis’ fantasy? ‘Dis’ as in disgusting? Disturbing? Disappointing?
Curtis responds to Pixie’s death the only way he knows how: he gets mad. Lucy convinces him to return to Pixie’s tangi, but Curtis has something important to do first.
Take that, Chris Warner! His performance is up there with Shorty’s best. Look at those shocked jowls, the perfectly capped teeth. Brilliant work.
Got the fever for these excellent rankings? Don’t call an ambulance, just click here to read the rest of our excellent Shortland Street coverage
4) Pania leaves the building
Pania who? After the trauma of Pixie’s tragic death I’d forgotten about the Street’s unbalanced murderer, last seen atop a steep cliff playing ‘Paper, Scissors, Rock’ with Tillie. Thankfully the ordeal was over by Monday night’s first ad break, when TK persuaded Pania to free Tilly and surrender her crazy self to the police.
5) TK and Drew’s bromance makes a very beautiful love triangle
Drew and Kylie create photographic magic in a promotional shoot for the hospital. I need sunglasses to guard my eyes against the sheen radiating from these magnificent specimens of health and beauty.
TK is unimpressed, preferring to wallow alone in a canyon of self-pity. “That guy has serious jealousy issues,” says Drew. Yes, mostly of your glow-in-the-dark teeth. Kylie’s not putting up with TK’s shit and invites Drew over for tea.
Turns out Drew and TK are brothers from another mother, soulmates even, who bond over dead wives, mental exes and Indian taxi drivers.
6) Dayna changes the world one word at a time
Dayna makes it onto the power rankings this week purely for her use of the word ‘ergo’.
Dayna, we salute you for returning this underappreciated phrase to the Kiwi vernacular and for always bringing such magnificent neckwear.
7) Victoria takes customer service to the next level
Victoria was auditioning for a call up to Blue Heelers with her detective work this week. Patient privacy be damned, Victoria was on the case.
Flushed with the success of stopping a dangerous operation, Victoria moves onto her next victim. She discovers her patient is serving time for rape and in disgust adjusts her Official Bedside Manner Level from ‘Mildly Belligerent’ to ‘Openly Offensive’.
Hardly the lightest of moments to end what was a rough week in Ferndale. Let’s hope this week has moments of legitimate happiness: more Bridezilla Leanne, more of TK and Drew’s bromance, and if we’re very well behaved, more of Dr Warner’s spectacular jowls
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The Spinoff Weekly compiles the best stories of the week – an essential guide to modern life in New Zealand, emailed out on Monday evenings.