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‘How will tasting urine help us to save Scotland?’ – The great mysteries of Outlander S02E03

Our resident Outlander fanatic Tara Ward shares her thoughts from the much-anticipated return of time-travel romance series. Contains spoilers. And smoulders. 

Life in Paris is one giant mystery. Which knife does Murtagh use first at dinner? Which carriage should Claire take to visit the poor? Which is hotter, brunette or auburn?

This week Jamie and Claire are up to their on-fleek eyebrows in political espionage and bodily fluids, with more questions to solve than you can shake a torn piece of lace at. Let us leap like fever-ridden lunatics into the refreshing freshwater spring of Outlander, in search of all the answers.

What’s Italian for ‘bored shitless’?

Sometimes it sucks being a woman trying to change the future. Lucky Jamie gets to stay out all night drinking and not-whoring and learning Italian from Bonnie Prince Charlie. Meanwhile, Claire is stuck inside playing ‘Go Fish’ with smooth-bottomed Louise and Mary with the weird neck ruffles, whom Claire discovers is her great-great-great-great-nana-in-law and is now obliged to be nice to.

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Let’s thank our lucky stars that Jamie still finds time in his busy schedule to do his hair.

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Does Frank ever stop talking about his family tree?

How did we ever survive last week’s episode without any Franksplaining?

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FYI Frank – Claire is pashing your neck to make you shut the hell up.

How many ships will Jamie’s loose lips sink?

For a pair of tricksters engaging in top-secret political espionage, Jamie and Claire are pretty loose with their lips – and I don’t mean French kissing. Jamie bangs on about his latest piece of double-dealing without a thought for his eavesdropping servants, who could have the Bastille on speed dial for all he knows.

Your butlers are neither deaf nor invisible, Big Red, so we’ll know whom to blame if your anti-rebellion scheme implodes. Not even that fine mop of hair will distract… your royal gingerness… like a soft downy pillow… bloody hell, where was I?

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For the love of all things tartan, why didn’t Suzette just mend the lace?

Chillax, Claz. You’re behaving as if that piece of net curtain represents your feelings of frustration and entrapment at being confined to the domestic sphere. Run along and put on another pretty frock, would you? There’s a love.

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Why was this moment of awkward arm grabbing so surprisingly emotional?

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Claire heals the sick, but more importantly, how does her apron stay on?

Is it pinned? Is it glued? Or is it pure sorcery? OMG, season two is intense.

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Why don’t the Frasers add ‘improve 18th century gender relations’ to their to-do list?

Behold this astonishingly accurate recap of a pivotal scene between Jamie and Claz:

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J: “WTF have you been, it’s way past your curfew.”

C: “Don’t rain on my parade, J-Dog. I’ve been scooping up human excrement and suddenly life has meaning again.”

J: “Without you here I had to rely on the servants to compliment my hair.”

C: “If I’m not out there tasting other people’s urine then I’m nothing.”

J: “What about me? I’ve spent all day looking at whores and discussing worldly affairs. I want my little wifey at home where she can plait my hair and remind me how the colour of my waistcoat really brings out my eyes.”

C: “Soz babes, it was my idea to change the future and I am still totally on board.”

J: “Enough of your fake enthusiasm, I’m exhausted. I think my thyroid is sluggish.”

C: “STFU then, I’ll sort the rebellion out myself.”

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Who will tell Jamie that he’s still our special snowflake?

It’s a pity party for one.

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Is this the best moment of Outlander since 1743?

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Of course not, but it’s definitely top ten – somewhere between the shinty game and that time Dougal muttered through his beard.

Where can I get one of these magical creatures?

Introducing Bouton, the all-seeing, all-knowing canine, who diagnoses the sick, speaks fluent German and reads music. Wait, that’s ridiculous. Dogs can’t read music.

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Is French pus as disgusting as Scottish pus?

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Cracking codes and running down dark alleyways: is Jamie Fraser the next James Bond?

Two flats means you take every letter beginning the start of the section, three sharps means you take every third letter beginning at the end, two love hearts means you stand on your head and clap twice, and three smiley face with sunglasses emoji means JUST TELL US THE FREAKING CODE, MACKENZIE.

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I still don’t know what’s going on, even when they’re speaking in English

How the bloody hell did Dougal’s name pop up during this team meeting? Who cares, it’s wine time. Bottoms up!

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Pour yourself a dram and dive into the new season Outlander on Lightbox below (new episodes arriving every Sunday at 7pm)

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