Tara Ward brings you her rankings for Shortland Street last week, including Rachel’s war path, Warner’s windswept hair and some incredible VR technology.
1) Rachel is scary
Rachel picked up a plethora of life skills during her 10 seconds of rehab, like how to not give a shit, and how to scare the bejeesus out of everyone using the fierceness of her ruthless tongue. Like a mystery virus rampaging through a horse stable filled with illegal prostitutes, Rachel took no prisoners.
“Stop pashing in reception! No annual leave allowed! Only one secret Warner sperm-child in the building at any one time!”
Preach, Rachel, for this is how we all should live. Down with holiday-loving, snog-festing dipshits, and more power to the queen.
2) Cam disappoints everyone, again
What would a week of Shortland Street be without fretting over what ol’ cokehead Cam’s been up to? “Hyuk, hyuk, hyuk,” gurgled Cam, as Drew, Vinnie and Nicole called an intervention on his miscreant behaviour. “I am creative genius trapped in a suburban prison made of garlic bread and tomato sauce, but my mince on toast will make you millionaires by teatime.”
Just who would replace Cam if he left in a cloud of white powder – Chops the Dog? We can only dream because, alas, there is one chef in New Zealand and Cam is it. We’re stuck with him, just like we’re stuck with Wendy and Murray’s taste in outdoor furniture.
3) Sass spends her first week in Ferndale doing many strange things
The weird world of Warner sibling rankings was turned on its thick blonde head this week, as Sass’ perplexing boob-flashing, dress-stealing behaviour usurped her brother Finn’s position as the most annoying Warner sibling ever.
Sass was as unpredictable as Cam’s new steam oven and as melodramatic than Leanne during a fire drill. She threw herself at TK, manipulated Finn and Esther’s relationship, and flashed her bra at Damo. Settle down, Sass, and save some crazy for this week. You don’t want to peak too soon.
4) Ali has a terrible week, almost as bad as that woman who died
Ali was shocked to discover that putting someone inside an ambulance does not save their life – apparently, you also need to administer medical care. It was news to Ali, as well as the poor old duck who carked it in the back of the ambo while Ali tried to save some bloke who’d become dangerously entangled in his garden hose.
“Don’t worry, she would have died anyway,” Harper reassured Ali, but her thoughtful words were of no solace. Mostly because Ali hadn’t had the chance to show Mrs Whatserface the sirens and flashing lights. No wonder he cried, it’s a bloody tragedy.
5) Damo for the next CEO of Shortland Street
This pointy finger has management material written all over it.
6) Chris is our anchor in the middle of the deep blue sea
Chris was a frazzled and windswept mess this week. He was blown from one crisis to another in a violent typhoon of human emotion as he tried to sort everyone else’s shit out. Honestly, Chris, stop. It’s no good for your hair, all this shouting and rushing about.
No doubt Chris yearns for simpler days, when he was at the bach, watching the sunset and singing ‘Anchor Me’. Where did it go so wrong? How did Chris Warner – with his 18 wives and 47 kids – become the moral compass of Ferndale? He’s Dr Love, for crying out loud. HE’S DR LOVE!
7) Technology is amazing
No idea what was going on here, but it goes down as some of New Zealand’s best television, ever.
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The Spinoff Weekly compiles the best stories of the week – an essential guide to modern life in New Zealand, emailed out on Monday evenings.