Alex Casey assembles her contestant power rankings for week four, including Naz the poet laureate, bad tattoos and too many soft toys.
Aloha minions, welcome to another week on the greatest show in the world, now bearing the once-in-a-lifetime offer in which you get to pay top dollar to sit somewhere near Jordan Mauger and The Bachelorettes IRL. I mean, I’m definitely going to go, hopefully we can all hit the casino afterwards and see just how good Claudia is at keeping her unblinking, Chucky-style poker face in check.
The gang flew to Hawaii this week, in what has to be the biggest MediaWorks reality TV expense since that damn rhombus daybed debacle on The Block NZ. Jordan embraced his new surroundings by going for an exceptionally, excruciatingly slow run on the beach, whilst the women settled into their house which appeared to be built out of delicious crunchy noodles:
With a fancy location comes some fancy date action, including choppers, high wire manouvres and a trip to Jurassic Park without the raptors, Sam Neill or any of the fun stuff. Ah well, life finds a way I suppose.
Invisible dinosaurs aside, there was another glaringly obvious spiritual presence lingering over Jordan’s new Hawaiian self. Wait till Jordan notices Rebecca’s high ponytail…
Jordan sent home Lara and Danielle from his cabinet – I mean the mansion – this week, and Nicole packed her bags and sent herself home after news of family trouble. As if that wasn’t tragedy enough, without a career firefighter on the team there was no-one left to stoke Jordan’s outdoor fire toilet:
Oh Danielle, how I miss you already. Your glassy – potentially ACTUALLY glass? – eyes, your impossibly wide smile, your abundant enthusiasm for paintball. The world will forever be separated into two different periods of time: before Danielle left the mansion and after Danielle left the mansion:
Onto the rest.
Look, she’s way too young and cool for Jordan and we all know it, but with Danielle returning to the Pukekohe Fire Station, Shari is delivering a tonne of the good vibes in the house. She whipped out a ‘shaka’ during the rose ceremony and single-handedly saved Monday night’s episode:
And then did the loopiest accent I have heard since Gerard Butler was nattering on about colours in PS I Love You. Here’s how she auditioned for the Jordan Mauger Academy For Kids From Paraparaumu Who Can’t Do Impressions Good:
Storm is living her Bachelor life right at the moment: she got all the rare kisses early on and is now chilling the f out on the couch with an abundance of bacon butties. Look at all that goddamn delicious butter, bless you Storm.
I’m also loving how bad Storm is at trying to be chill about her cocktail party kisses, when we all know she is clearly the guiltiest Denver of all time.
Yes, Fleur is probably going to win because her and Jordan share a mutual affection for exotic body modification (I’ve heard that if his white anchor tatts touch her Maasai stick burns, a portal straight to Third Eye on K’Rd opens). Fleur also shared her triumphant tale about spitting giraffe poops out of her mouth in Kenya over dinner. Jordan kissed her, because he seemingly loves a woman with any kind of excrement/vomit/mousse substitute around the ol’ mouth.
After always being the last woman to get chosen during the ruthless schoolyard picking system of the group dates, Alicia finally got one on one time with our Key guy. To be honest, she should have shot right out of there after his atrocious, seemingly flavourless cup of shaved ice. An abomination.
After a massage on the beach and an aggressive wrestle in the ocean, Alicia felt ready to gift Jordan a dog soft toy. Despite the rampant disregard for what a nightmare luggage limits are on international travel, Jordan graciously accepted the child’s toy before balancing it on the balcony where it definitely fell off and drowned in a vat of Cloudy Bay.
Gabs had a mighty revelation this week:
Real cool to discuss the problems of the show, if only for a sliver of a soundbite, and get that dirty old word ‘feminism’ out during prime time. Is The Bachelor good? Is The Bachelor bad? Here’s a women IN IT talking about how she sees the problems, but also that she is an individual human who wants to be there, and has right to do whatever the hell she wants. What they didn’t show you is that she burnt her bra immediately after on the tealight candles, and Mike Puru had already used up the fire extinguisher on Jordan’s outdoor toilet inferno. Disaster.
Read the rest of The Spinoff’s definitely excessive Bachelor NZ coverage here
Beyond reading the date card, has Rebecca said a SINGLE word this week? It’s challenging, it’s mime, and it’s so crazy it just might work.
Ceri finally got the helicopter date that she has been harping on about – we have never, ever heard her mention it before – for weeks. During the flight, Jordan whipped the door open to create a distraction so he could pull the rose from possibly his butt, and I feared for her life momentarily. Some things are just not worth it for a plastic rose from Look Sharp. Ceri tried to talk to Jordan about her work with Women’s Refuge, but he was way too busy trying to gift her a teddy bear wearing pilot goggles. No more soft toys anyone. We are done here.
Bloody, effing, baby G watch in heaven. Naz recited the world’s longest original poem for Jordan this week, and then tried to force herself on him multiple times in front of a squillion other women. Ah yes, exactly like The Notebook in every way possible.
Kate got a bit antsy about her progress with Jordan during the daily ‘let’s all sit on a huge bed and chat about girl code’ meeting. What is girl code? Why is that bed so big? How are those sheets so clean? I get the feeling that Kate is a very beloved member of the house, which counts for a lot. Some might say she’s… good for PR…
Talk about Erin of the side of caution!!
I’ve put Sarah last this week. Not because I think she is next to go, but because this dress reminded me of that scary story about the girl with the red ribbon around her neck that kept her head attached.
Mike’s lil cowlick
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