A New Zealand man was charged this week with drink driving after a chicken nugget-inspired rampage in a Sydney McDonald’s. As a quick Google reveals, he wasn’t the first and he won’t be the last to lose his shit at the Golden Arches.
McDonald’s is truly the great equaliser: no matter what car you take through the drivethru, you’re still in a McDonald’s drivethru. There is no elitism at Maccy Ds – special sauce will stain overalls and suit jacket alike. Empty calories care nothing for your income or net worth.
McDonald’s is also where we reveal our truly horrid nature, our inner urges boiling forth and frothing over as the outward manifestations of our malicious and animalistic id. Gluttony is encouraged – nay, celebrated – and inside those greasy walls we reduce ourselves to primal beasts with nary a concern for decorum. Some of us, however, take it a little further than others.
We present to you a brief summary of McDonald’s related misbehaviours from just the past 18 months, starting with a case settled as recently as lunchtime today.
Wainuiomata man Rei Enoka was in the market for 40 chicken nuggets, and swung past a local McDonald’s to get the goods. After leaving the drivethru he realised however he’d been shortchanged by 20 nuggies, fully half of his order, and returned in a fury twenty minutes later. After refusing a refund he pelted a staff member with a nugget and proceeded to abuse bystanders. He was originally charged with threatening to kill and common assault, but today plead guilty to a reduced charge of intimdating behaviour.
In other chicken-related news, Kiwi vegan Kane Olsen, now a local Sydney battler, was charged this week for going on a nugget-fueled rampage at the Thornleigh McDonald’s on Sydney’s north shore. After learning there were no nuggets available on the breakfast menu he is reported to have circled the drivethru abusing people and sitting on the horn before ordering 200 hash browns and parking his car in a tiff.
Before the manager could deliver the payload however, Olsen hopped out, made a break for the store and started screaming at staff atrocious things like “you are fucking gay” and “I am going to fuck you all up,” which is pretty tough talk for a drunk vegan.
The Daily Telegraph said Olsen would not comment on whether he would be eating at McDonald’s again, or if he would apologise to the McDonald’s staff he abused.
Magistrate Daniel Reiss blamed it all on the drugs, saying police reported Olsen as having bloodshot eyes and dilated pupils, but that sounds like a standard case of chicken nuggy fever to me.
And Olsen isn’t the only nuggy fiend causing trouble at McDs. Back in January, Jacob Martin Geels, 22, was fined for disorderly behaviour in the Greymouth District Court, after a rampage in a Hokitika McDonald’s. When his nuggets didn’t materialise in a timely fashion, Geels jumped on the counter with duel-wielded nerf guns, shot foamy projectiles at staff and screamed obscenities at everyone within earshot.
Judge Murfitt said while the guns may have been toys for four-year-olds, “that was the level of maturity [Geels] displayed”.
Judge Murfitt said he accepted there was no malice intended and that it was a prank and fined Geels $100.
It’s not all fun and games though. Chills frontman Martin Phillipps was convicted of drink driving earlier this year after getting nabbed by the fuzz on a drunken Maccas run. In Phillipps defence there’s no Uber in Dunedin, and when that nuggy fever strikes…
Unlike Phillipps, South Canterbury shepherd Daniel Charles Greenwood made it all the way to the restaurant, only to fall asleep at the wheel, blocking the drivethru for at least 20 minutes.
“Greenwood told police he had “mixed brews”, but had only drunk three standard drinks,” reported Stuff.
The coma and the maccas would indicate otherwise. Oh and his blood alcohol level was almost twice the limit.
In March the Lincoln Road McDonald’s was robbed. Then in August three men armed with axes and a shotgun stormed McDonald’s Kaikohe, forcing employees to hand over bags of cash. The same month, axe-wielding assailants stormed the Rototuna McDonald’s in Hamilton. In October a man pulled into the Mount Roskill McDonald’s drivethru and threatened to shoot employees if they didn’t hand over free food.
Perhaps none of that is as egregious however as these wowsers from June last year, who foisted guilt and shame on the customers of a Hamilton McDonald’s for an entire weekend, sleeping in boxes and starving themselves while customers gorged on grease and empty calories.
“Students from Waikato Diocesan School for Girls and St Paul’s Collegiate School last night slept in boxes at the fast-food restaurant in Hamilton and will stay again tonight while they continue the famine,” reported the Herald.
What a pack of shits. McDonald’s truly brings out the worst in us all.
The Spinoff Weekly compiles the best stories of the week – an essential guide to modern life in New Zealand, emailed out on Monday evenings.