The Spinoff Reviews New Zealand #86: Perky Nana lumps

We review the entire country and culture of New Zealand, one thing at a time. Today, The Spinoff office hoons two bags of Perky Nana Lumps. 

Last week the internet exploded with the news that a yet another Kiwiana fusion product was to crawl its way out of the ocean and onto our shores in July. They were the frankly pornographic-sounding Perky Nana Lumps, a Frankenstein of Pineapple Lumps and Perky Nana bars. The Facebook comments were absolutely going off. “Can you please buy me some of these if you have time and are not working lol” wrote Deborah, tagging in her beau. “My idea of heaven” said Gemma, to nobody in particular. Many people began clearing space in their freezer in anticipation.

So, are they worth the shelf space next to your frozen soups? Or best enjoyed at tropical room temperature? The Spinoff goons ate two bags – one fresh, one frozen – to bring you this analysis.

Simon Day

The Perky Nana Lump starts well as the chocolate and banana start to blend and the richness of each flavour complements the other. Initially, as the creamy chocolate and chewy banana textures start to combine, it’s a pleasant experience. But the chocolate fades, the Nana becomes hard like old chewing gum, and develops a sour, sharp flavour that makes your lips purse. It literally leaves a bad taste in your mouth. Bring back Pineapple Lumps.

Later, after sampling a frozen lump

“That tastes like you’ve inhaled deeply at a petrol station.”

Alex Casey

Gather round children and let me read you a story involving these lumps, these lovely Nana lumps. As someone who is 100% allergic to bananas but also believes that a little party never killed nobody, I have long coveted the Nana they call Perky. I love how the chocolate gets all melty and the innards go stringy then hard like a borderline Zombie Chew. I also think it’s a pretty rude sounding chocolate, which goes a long way if you are considering the comedy value of your confectionery. Old Gold is another funny choc, but I digress. 

I found these lumps absolutely delectable in the beginning of the taste test. I’m no mathematician but I feel like, just as mini savoury pies feel like they have three times the pastry, the Nana lump felt as if it had much more chocolate around it. The texture is the same as the jumbo version, but once the chocolate has worn off it starts to get a bit of a nana tang and the roof of my mouth starts flaring up big time. Just like it does when I eat real bananas. That’s neo-realism, that’s a job well done, that’s a nana made perky. Call the ambo. 

Later, after sampling a frozen lump

I did not enjoy that. Shatters like a Crunchie but delivers none of the same joy. Best enjoyed at room temp. 

Ollie Rusden

My Perky Nana lump was frozen, which all red-blooded Kiwis recognise as the correct way to consume these bad boys. Frozen, the perky nana lump is the perfect melange of your favourite snacks. The brittle crunch of Crunchie Bar, the portability and aerodynamics of the Pineapple Lump, and the taste of a highly Perky Nana. The old Pineapple Lump is obsolete, standing in the fruity shadow of the vastly superior Perky Nana Lump. 6/10.

Toby Manhire 

“They don’t end well, these Perky Nanas, they taste like CRC at the end.”

Tina Tiller

Nana? Yeah nah. You wanna know something? I ate one and I would not eat another. Also, I can’t believe I just had some Cadbury. I like me some Pine(blooop)apple Lumps but the Nanas were a let down. But I don’t like them in the first place so I believe my input is invalid but, whatevs, I do what I want.

Duncan Greive

The consistency is outstanding. Pineapple lumps have that issue where they’re either too soft/marshmallowy or get-stuck-in-your-teeth sticky. Bad QC. Here we take all the great things about the format (a nice lump) with an intriguing and sophisticated banana variation. I normally think bananas are “yuck”, but these are definitely “yum”. What I think we have discovered here is that lumps need to come in many more flavours (but NOT shapes/sizes). 

Later, after sampling a frozen lump

*uncontrollable coughing*

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Jihee Junn

Banana > Pineapple, therefore: Perky Nana Lump > Pineapple Lump.

Related

It’s time to ban all Kiwiana fusion foods


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