Around this time every year, the howls of agony echo around the country – from south to north, people who enjoy a drink in moderation have just realised that religious traditions have impinged on their freedoms. But forewarned is forearmed. We present an updated guide to getting shitfaced on public holidays.
Bars, supermarkets and bottle shops will be forced to stop selling bevvies at midnight on Thursday night, all of Friday and again at midnight on Saturday night. That means an early home-time on Thursday and Saturday, and abandoning any idea of a night out on Friday. You will not be going to the pub on Sunday. On Anzac Day you’re out of luck until 1pm – not the worst thing in the world, but an inconvenience nonetheless.
If you fancy a bottle of something to get you through the cyclone, it is best to stock up now. There are, however, a few other options.
Should you be on a licensed premises with the express purpose of dining, you can drink from one hour before you eat and up to an hour afterwards, then you gotta bounce. If the good old days of 6pm closing times are anything to go by, you can do plenty of damage in an hour or two with the right attitude, so this is a viable option. Eating is cheating, as that old chestnut goes, but in this case it’s The Man getting styled on. Keep in mind, however, that while what constitutes ‘dining’ is somewhat vague, a bowl of peanuts or some nacho chips won’t cut the mustard.
Outside of that hour you’re buggered – unless, of course, you live at a pub! If you reside on premises as a guest, lodger, tenant or employee, you can drink to your heart’s content.
Don’t live at a pub and can’t find a restaurant? Consider boarding a licensed ferry, yacht or train. You still have to eat, but you can drink in the process.
No suitable transport nearby? Don’t panic just yet; the Koru Club has confirmed they will be serving alcohol all weekend, so long as you also order food.
To take that to its logical conclusion, there are international flights departing from Auckland Airport all day Friday, Saturday and Sunday. So if the thirst strikes, consider a long-haul flight to Dubai, Los Angeles, Hong Kong or anywhere else that takes your fancy.
2019 update! The Wellington Phoenix play at Westpac Stadium in the capital Sunday night. The stadium has confirmed they will be serving alcohol, without restriction, surcharge free – meaning you can get drunk for approximately $700. A compelling argument for Sunday sport indeed! The races at Ellerslie in Auckland on Saturday will be serving alcohol during the day too, but there are restrictions around BYO.
It has come to the attention of The Spinoff that pool halls and strip clubs are also a viable option after 1pm on Anzac Day.
But here’s a question – why can’t we buy beer whenever we want? Seriously. Why not?
Why are the traditions of one group’s belief system governing what we can and can’t do? We don’t ban supermarkets from selling food during Ramadan. We don’t enforce candle lighting on Hanukkah. There’s no government-mandated abstinence on Lent. These aren’t nuclear, original takes; people ask the same thing every Easter, every year.
I’m not even an atheist – I’ve watched enough Planet Earth to hold off on completely discounting some creative force, but this is some archaic nonsense. We shouldn’t have to move into a pub to have beer on any Friday, and particularly not one that’s supposedly “good”.
The Spinoff Weekly compiles the best stories of the week – an essential guide to modern life in New Zealand, emailed out on Monday evenings.