We review the entire country and culture of New Zealand, one thing at a time. Today, José Barbosa bathes in the sugary warmth of US-style doughnuts.
Bless America and the Americans. They’ve given us so much and we just want more and more. First came Dunkin Donuts; we mashed their rings of yeast into our maws. Now we have Krispy Kreme and we lined up around the block in our cars like we were hoping for a place on the last rocket out of here.
Now, however, there’s no need to leave. Krispy Kreme have had a go at creating their version of heaven on earth and it has neon wall sprinkles and Colin Mathura-Jeffree.
By the time you read this, the Krispy Kreme concept store will have opened in Chancery Square in Auckland’s CBD. But the night before was the VIP invite-only launch. The PR team behind the event knew what they were doing. I know this because they didn’t call it the Krispy Kreme Koncept store.
A DJ played music as us VIPs mingled inside. The store was built for Instagram so we were taking pictures like mad. The radiant Colin Mathura-Jeffree draped himself over a large fibreglass pink doughnut while I was shown the neon tubes on the ceiling that were shaped like sprinkles. In the back of the shop was a delivery and pick-up area, a mainstay in the era of UberEats. The influencers (well, I assume they were influencers) ordered something to drink and stood there on their phones, blocking anyone else from ordering.
I tried the doughnuts. It’s rare to be in the presence of technology that is so perfect that any further innovation would be immoral. The rain radar and the emergency passport service spring to mind, but somehow Krispy Kreme has created the optimum sugar delivery system. I’m a fan of the original glazed doughnut. It’s simple. It knows what it is. There are special Christmas-themed doughnuts ready for purchase that look whimsical as fuck. There’s a Christmas tree one, a green and red M&M one, but I like the look of the snowman doughnut, mainly because its filling hole looks like it has a wee snowman anus. It’s full of jam so it kind of looks like its got wee snowman haemorrhoids.
The real surprise of the evening was the milkshakes. I had a simple chocolate milkshake. It was cold, whipped so it was nice and fluffy and the syrup was not too rich. It was almost everything I need from my milkshake, although I’d prefer non-plastic packaging and straws.
The launch wound down, everyone’s feeds were replenished with content and we all walked away with plastic bags of free doughnuts and Krispy Kreme tat.
Outside a group of hopeful doughnut fans gathered in the rain, desperate for any chance to be received unto the glow of the store. Someone asked a security guard if it was open, and he replied that it opened the following day. “Shit,” said the fan. “I’d sleep over for this!” The guard looked as if he were considering a reply. But in the end he decided to say nothing.
Verdict: A very special treat.
Good or bad: Seems fine, but only in moderation.
The Spinoff Weekly compiles the best stories of the week – an essential guide to modern life in New Zealand, emailed out on Monday evenings.