Could this be the gayest video game guide ever? Kermath shares his definitive guide to the games coming up over the next 12 months – and which Grindr tribe they belong to.
The main game announcements for 2018/early 2019 have pretty much all been made. Outside it’s cold, work is shit, and you have nothing to do but dig through Netflix and try and find something easy to watch. But wait, what about another attempt at finding that one true love, via online dating?
I’ve always wanted to play Gay Cupid. I found my number one through Grindr, so this is me giving back to the community. The guide below is based on what I’ve observed in real life from gaming conventions like E3, and the types of people who were interested in the games being promoted there.
Here’s my definitive guide to help you pair up with whatever you’re into. For easy reference, I’ve split the games up into their respective Grindr tribes. Even once you find your perfect match, do still have a peek at the other tribes; there are gems all through this list. Who knows? This could finally get me a nomination at this year’s $200-a-ticket LGTBI Awards.
Disclaimer: I’m so sorry if I’ve missed your favourite upcoming title. It’s so dumb to say, but from what I’ve already seen this year, there’s never been a better time to pick up a controller and immerse yourself (and possibly loved one) into at least one of these titles.
Smooth on the outside, white on the inside, the term is said to originate from the American Hostess snack, the Twinkie. If you’re old enough to know about Queer as Folk, that. If you’re not, refer to any guy cast on Glee or any season of American Horror Story.
Kingdom Hearts III
It’s been 13 years since Kingdom Hearts II and I’ve lost count of how many times the release date gets moved – twinks have transitioned to twunks (see below) and daddies (also see below) in the time it’s taken for Square Enix to even set a proper release date.
Nothing says twink like a skater game, and Session is here to fill the long-vacant hole in the skating game market.
The game on everybody’s lips is gonna be Super Smash Bros… Ultimate. Nintendo have taken every fighter that was ever featured in the series, plus some new ones and have squashed them into one game.
AKA Gym rat. These boys usually hang out in packs and usually seen boarding buses to R&V. What he’s lacking in scruff, he makes up for in bulk.
Maybe it’s the way that this game showcases the protagonist, played by Norman Reedus, carrying a baby around in a container – total jock move – but this seems like the ideal way to keep that heart-rate up after a strict cardio sesh.
Sekiro: Shadows Die Twice
It’s Tomb Raider meets Dark Souls. Thus, Jock.
Aggressive, hunky dudes and dudettes. Total jock game, and one that will also appeal to a lot of your best jock friends.
Twunks (not listed in Grindr, but important)
The modern-day Zac Efron – the next evolution of the twink. After age 30, your face either melts or you buff up and find yourself in-limbo between twink and jock.
The Last of Us Part II
If The Last of Us was the twink, then this is the grown-up zombie twunk. Arguably the game of E3, this one will be on everybody’s most-wanted list when it comes out in a few years.
Shadow Of The Tomb Raider
The last entry in the new trilogy, in which Lara accidentally sets off an apocalypse and has to end up saving the world… again. This new series grew the beard with the last game, so it’s time to see if it can make good on the promise.
Honestly, if you’ve been on the internet this long and you haven’t encountered this term I’m not going to be the one to enlighten you. Stay ignorant, Ponyboy.
You play as a fox. Enough said.
Tales of Vesperia – Definitive Edition
A re-release of the most critically acclaimed entry in an already critically acclaimed series, Tales of Vesperia is a tale about a former imperial knight who befriends a colourful cast of characters through their journey. It also features a dog/wolf with what looks like a smoking pipe, so in the dubious furry category it goes.
Imagine a geek! Now, imagine he’s gay with a good jawline minus the pocket pens, has a good job, but no plans to share profits from that job! You’ve got your (gay) geek.
BE CAREFUL. Fallout will make or break the deal. Fallout 4 is a relationship in itself and takes about the same amount of time to get through. God knows what Fallout 76 will bring, but it’s geek personified.
It’s Spider-Man, what else is it gonna be?
Any dude that’s a self-confessed ‘metro’ pretty much falls straight into the definition of this category. Businessmen, politicians, Mormons and models. You wear a suit, you shave your beard, you’re a Clean-Cut.
Cyberpunk might be politically rugged, but the look is nothing but clean-cut. Slick, futuristic, and high-tech – this game from The Witcher 3 creators is one of my most anticipated.
We Happy Few
A fun-coated psychopath simulator to help escape the order of life – I know how much you clean-cuts like rules, so this’ll be a guaranteed winner.
Pretty much self-explanatory. The classic 40-50 year old guy who by no means will shy away from his age. They’ll take care of you – physically or financially.
Assassin’s Creed Odyssey
A staple of E3 and another one for the Assassin’s collection. If you’re a daddy, you were probably alive during this time, right? No, but seriously, this series has been around for a while, and keeps itself relevant/strong by reinventing itself on a yearly basis.
World War 2? Obviously a daddy-pleaser.
Raw destruction, jumping from planes, parachutes? Daddy please.
This post, like all our gaming content, comes to your peepers only with the support of Bigpipe Broadband.
Subscribe to The Bulletin to get all the day’s key news stories in five minutes – delivered every weekday at 7.30am.