The X Factor NZ S02E01: A Collection of Spurious Thoughts and Images

Alex Casey thought she should probably write something about The X Factor NZ, so with Twitter’s help, she did. /

Last night, like 305,000 other people up and down the country, I sat down and enjoyed The X Factor NZ premiere. And it was… fine. I always forget that the first audition stages just sort of spitball around the place, going from sorrowful Coldplay-laden struggle streets to openly guffawing at the bewildered, the narcoleptic, and the unusually deep of voice (hashtag fudge).

So, in keeping with that erratic tone and those flip floppy feelings, I recorded some random thoughts throughout the extensive premiere broadcast. I have lovingly curated some tweets to support these outrageously tame calls.

Let’s get into it guys, we’ve only got several months to go!

Willy Moon is a Martian
I mean, the clue is in the name. As if there was any doubt that GQ’s Most Stylish Man 2012 was not from at least Pluto, he had to wear a tight sparkly space suit and zero gravity hair to really hammer the extra-terrestrial vibes home. Here’s an alien in a suit from Dr Who that might Change The Way You Think About Willy Moon Forever:


But obviously the comparisons don’t stop there:

Pray For Jazzy
Jazzy took the stage and suddenly I was overwhelmed with an alarming vibe of ‘national pedo’. Okay, we get it. She’s only 14 and she looks a lot older. When I was 14 I looked like a bearded lizard with a side ponytail. But for god’s sake, don’t get too creepy with it. “You look diiiiviiiiiine” Natalia says in her trans-galactic drawl. Looking forward to seeing Jazzy getting even further Toddler-In-Tiara’d a la Cassie in 2013. She’ll come out of it looking 56 at least.  


Bad Bands Have Bad Names
We get it, extended montage: the bands suck. But maybe the bands only suck because of their terrible names. Might I suggest you do the arena test. Stand in front of the mirror and in a boomy voice say “ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to Vector Arena/Trusts Stadium/Porirua Gym… ON THE LEDGE”. It doesn’t quite work does it? Same goes for Gotta Please Wendy, Man Up, Melancholy Friday and Alvin and the Chipmunks or whatever those psychedelic guys straight outta Prana were called.  

God Bless the Fudge Maker Maybe our first true viral star of X Factor NZ. Maybe she could some sort of Chocolate Rain follow up with that voice. Fudge Hail? Could have some excellent cross-promotional benefits, Natalia could get that fudge she asked for. Anyway, love her very much.  udge

Natalia Kills Can Sing
Whilst scorning a contestant for singing without consonants, Natalia belted out this huge “howling at the moon” number which demonstrated how she is a baller judge and also a baller singer. Imagine Ruby Frost doing that? Never in a million years. Daniel Bedingfield? Maybe, but it would be hard to hear through the padded walls of his asylum room.


All Hail Ardijah’s Prodigal Son
If time makes the wine, Ardijah makes the funky talented son. Looking forward to seeing where that loop pedal takes him. All the way to top 12, I assume.

The Dunedinite With the ‘R’ Words
This dude had a moving story of overcoming anxiety and depression, but I was left more moved by his beautiful accent put so beautifully to use. He went to help out in Christchurrrrch after the earrrrthquake, he works in a nurrrrseerry, he tends to his biirrrrrds.

Knock X Factor all you want, but how often do we get to see this many different New Zealand accents and faces on our TVs? I love it.

Watch the first episode of The X Factor NZ here.

The X Factor NZ screens Sunday on TV3 at 7pm, and Mondays and Tuesdays at 7.30pm

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