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2014 in Review: Data Mining Our Search Engine Stats

Alex Casey personally responds to some of the weirder Google searches that have led internet-dwellers to The Spinoff this year. //

We have been watching you, readers. We have been watching what you are Googling, and why you are Googling it, and when you are Googling it. First of all, here are the top shows/people that you have Googled to get to our little site:

Top Google Searches That Lured in Punters to The Spinoff Dot Co Dot NZ

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Over the past few months, a funny past-time at Spinoff HQ has been to monitor these (sometimes quite weird) search engine terms that have been used to lure people onto our site. It’s mostly been from The Block NZ and My Kitchen Rules NZ, but I have the feeling people didn’t find exactly what they were looking for.

I will try to answer your strange questions the best I can folks, but if Google can’t help you – no-one can.

Google Queries About The Block NZ:

“is quinn of the blocks baby a boy or a girl?”

I don’t know the gender of the baby, but one thing is for sure, it’s now going to be draped in $30,000 worth of thin gold rope. Little callback to Ben’s stylistic decision in the drawer challenge there.

Screen Shot 2014-12-19 at 9.33.24 am“what brand of glasses does alex off the block wear”?

I asked Corban on Twitter for you, dear reader, and am yet to see a response. Alex was a very fancy fashion buyer for Pagani, so my guess would probably be Pagani? Hey, don’t be like that reader – Pagani is a perfectly fine shop. Remember when Kate Winslet bought a whole lot of stuff there? More importantly, will Alex and Corb get bespoke laser eye surgery with their new found riches? Stay tuned.

“why does james look sad the block nz”?

Oh man I don’t know, maybe because of sleeping under a tarp in an unfinished house for weeks on end with Mark Richardson slinking around all the time?

Google Queries About My Kitchen Rules NZ

“what is sleepy eye fillet”?

Great question, and one that I feel fully qualified to answer. I think it’s maybe a slow cooked thing in a lot of juice and that? Something to do with jus. I have no idea actually, I think it could well be something the Corporate Dads made up.

Screen Shot 2014-10-02 at 11.57.33 pm“how did dan off mkr get his scar”?

Fans of MKRNZ will remember that Dan appeared back after the instant restaurants with a huge scar on his head. I had a dig around instagram, and found this very NSFW picture of the injury. And then I realised that the best way to get The Social Media Buddy talking is via social media. I asked him on Facebook, and he was more than obliging with this small novella about the incident:

Sam’s Novella About How He Got His Scar:
“Basically Sam [aka Social Media Buddy #2] was having his 21st birthday party in town at a bar called Everybody’s, this is the type of bar that is hipster for hipsters sake, so lots of quirky staircases, metal bars, big chandeliers and guys with cardigans and beards….

We were eating and drinking and being merry as you do at a 21st and I was taking liberties with the bar tab and ordering the most extravagant cocktail I could get: Long Island ice tea. Containing more alcohol in each drink than one of June and Steph’s fridges, this was enough to make my little head spin.

The combination of Long Island ice teas and the lack of eating a substantial lunch really made for a great evening however, as we were leaving, I decided to briskly jog out of the bar as opposed to the more traditional walk out. After that everything went black and I remember waking up on the floor of the bar looking up at one of the sharp and extravagant hand rails on the stair case. There was now a hole in my forehead.

I could feel the blood rushing out of my head and down my face – I had managed to somehow trip and hit the metal stair railing. My face had taken the brunt of it, which is probably the worst part of your body to get sliced by a metal pole. Luckily, my lovely girlfriend was there to come and help me, and even more luckily, she’s training to be a nurse! She was able to stop all my alcohol-infused blood from leaving my body and got me to the hospital in an Über taxi, because I don’t care how much I’m bleeding, I ain’t paying for an ambulance!

Anyway, I was saved from Long Island ice teas and certain death due to the lovely efforts of my girlfriend, and despite my face being scarred forever she has decided to not leave me. My scar hurts now when I am around Long Island ice teas.”

Hope that clears it all up, I enjoy his on-brand commitment to using Uber rather than a regular ambulance. That’s true Social Media-style commitment right there.

Google Queries About General Porno Needs

“alien under porn”

Now I’m sorry reader, but we have nothing of the sort here. I’m not even entirely sure what you want out of this. Is it an image of an alien looking at porn? Or porn involving an alien? Dear god. Good grief.

Screen Shot 2014-12-19 at 9.40.21 am“survivor missy in bikini”

Alright, you wild sicko. This is one we can actually do for you, as Joe Harper has been recapping every aspect of the Survivor San Juan Del Sur world from the get-go. And that does actually include a raunchy shot of Missy and her ridiculously tassled bikini. You’ll have to do some leg work on our site to find it, I’m not giving you a perve that easy. Same goes to you, weirdo that searched “images of survivor jon and jaclyn kissing”.

“newsliand porn”

Funny and interesting take on an old classic.

“new zeeland porn”

Look, we aren’t unlocking our national porn collection for you until you spell our country correctly.

“outlander wedding blowjob”

Alright, horned up reader, this one I can sort for you as well. Simply go to Lightbox, watch The Wedding Episode (Episode Seven) of Outlander. The fact that I didn’t have to Google that myself says a lot more about me than it does about you.

Google Enquires For Other Urgent Needs

“david brent glance at camera”

Here you go:

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“paul ergo falls off stage”

Such a big ergo.

“malcolm tucker wallpaper”

For your wallpaper needs:

Man wallpapering his home

“female death through empalement”

Merry Christmas to you too :’)

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I hope that has cleared some things up. Please keep searching, keep asking questions and keep reading. We’ll be back next year with all the alien pornos your heart desires *

*definitely not you creep

 

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