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The Bachelor For Dummies: Smashing the First Impression

After watching the introductions on The Bachelor Australia, Alex Casey dispenses some crucial advice to New Zealand’s upcoming Bachelorettes about how to make a good first impression. //

The Bachelor Australia started here last week in a flurry of sequins and tealight candles (truly the ideal combo for a painfully blinding iridescence). The format? Same as always. Just your normal, everyday scenario of 24 women, standing in front of one man, asking him to love them. We join Blake – a bronzed auctioneer that looks like a really strong and handsome sloth – as he stands outside the luxury mansion. The lady-carrying limousines approach, ready to drop off the cargo and begin the bidding war. First item up for auction: true love.

Introductions on The Bachelor are always a deeply awkward thing to watch, which is why they are also a must-see. We know from their background videos that all the women are looking for the perfect man to fulfil their lives (“I’ve got a great netball career at the moment, but there’s just one thing that’s missing”). It’s crucial at the introductory stage to stand out, which is why I thought I’d take some notes from our Australian sisters for the upcoming contestants on The Bachelor NZ.

Listen up Kiwi Bachelorettes, here are some top tips to nail the first impression:

1) Wear every sequin
Basically, if you aren’t wearing a full length ball gown adorned with thousands of glittery discs, you can get the hell out of here. It’s no coincidence that nearly all of the girls who were sequin-less didn’t get a rose after the first meeting on The Bachelor Australia. The sparklier, the better.

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What the producers don’t tell you is that The Bachelor is often not a man, but 57 magpies stuffed into a human suit. There’s a reason the engagement ring at the end is so sparkly. Think about it.

2) Give a weird gift
Bachelors seem to love getting cheap love-themed tat from their potential future wives. For inspiration, you could make like Chantal and craft a weird plastic heart thing that says “let’s hang” on it:

letshang

Or you could splurge out on a stupid Tin Man Beanie Baby, because everyone knows that the Tin Man was famously searching for a heart of his own. The Tin Man was also hospitalized for two weeks due to absorbing the toxic silver paint and would experience breathing problems for the rest of his life, but let’s not bring the mood down:

tin man

You could always just put a crown on his head too, that’s fine:

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3) Do a lovable J.Law stumble
There’s a reason Jennifer Lawrence has Bachelors the world swanning all over her – because she trips and stumbles all over the place. Sam, Anita and several others tried this method on their introductions, taking dainty wobbles down the stairs. Bachelor Blake watched on, laughing heartily. I’d like to see you walk two steps in those huge shoes mate!

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Anyway, doing a little trip is a smart and memorable move. If you can slip on a banana, pratfall through a huge birthday cake and land in a tiny diving pool, even better.

4) Be heart-stoppingly nervous
Not an introduction goes by where a Bachelorette doesn’t mention how nervous they are. Giggle hysterically, cover your face with your hair, breath into a sequinned paper bag if you have one.

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Do whatever it takes to be as nervous as possible. Have a panic attack! Go into anaphylactic shock! Pretend to die for a few minutes! The most intensely nervous is the most endearing, and that is just pure Bachelor science.

5) Get majorly musical
“If music be the food of love, play on” – Anita and Katrina, The Bachelor Australia

If Anita and Katrina have taught us anything about making an impact – it’s that singing certainly gets the attention of a bored Bachelor. After shaking his hand, Katrina pulled a guitar out of nowhere and belted out an original Carrie Underwood-style piece. He took it in his stride, immediately falling into some bizarre two-step dance like it was something that happened to him every day. Maybe it does.

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Anita also gave singing a try, whispering a very nasal tune to a very confused Blake. He didn’t have sequins to distract him this time, you see:

You best be learning the guitar, NZ ladies.

6) Do a ridiculous twirl
It’s been a big week for twirling, with Eugenie Bouchard’s run-in with a slimey sports reporter making massive waves on the internet. Whatever your take on the incident, it’s safe to say that if she had been on The Bachelor, she would have twirled her way right to the rose ceremony with that little move. Twirling is key to a successful introduction on The Bachelor, more powerful than walking or even talking. One Bachelorette took to violently roller skating towards Bachelor Blake, finishing in a full twirl at his feet.

 twirl

“That’s the best twirl I’ve ever seen,” he grinned.

7) Have the “right kind of eyes.” Whatever the hell that means
I don’t know if this is true of all Bachelors, but Blake seemed to make a huge deal out of eyes. When asked earlier what he looks for in a girl – eyes were his top priority. Not just normal eyes, gorgeous eyes. Take a leaf out of Jessica’s book and wow your man with a set of prime peepers.

eye

“You’re everything…the eyes are exactly right,” Blake muttered under his breath. I would just like to point out that is the exact same thing a serial killer would say if they were secretly piecing together a femme-Frankenstein out of women’s body parts in their attic. Jessica doesn’t make this observation and instead laughs it off graciously, “I have a very beautiful mother.” Ladies, best be putting your best eyes forward.

8) Don’t know that you are beautiful
One Direction sung about this for a reason. Blake was particularly taken with Bachelorette Sam because “she was of those girls that doesn’t know how beautiful she is, and that’s a really endearing quality.” Jokes aside, I don’t even really know what to say about this. I just want to reiterate to all you ladies out there that you look lovely and you’re allowed to know that. F this sentiment:

9) Be mysterious, avoid talking
Laurina, the dizzyingly beautiful Audrey Hepburn lookalike, played the mystery card. Purposefully cutting her introduction short to swan off into the mansion, she left Blake stumped. “Before i knew anything about her, she was gone.” Laurina then proceeded to do the dusting, touch up her makeup and fill her drink – anything but talk to Blake for the rest of the night.

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I would recommend at least one NZ Bachelorette tries out the enigmatic vibe. Stop talking mid sentence and waltz to the other side of the room. Only look at people through a mirror. Communicate only in morse code. If you look vaguely like Audrey Hepburn, you’ll still get a rose.

10) Make a kooky name-based pun
If all else fails, you can aways rely on a bit of word play to win over the Bachelor of your dreams. Anita went for a classic “say ‘I need her’ really fast and sexily” approach. Louise opted for a “Luscious Louise” option, proceeding to whip out a lychee cocktail with the exact same name. “Wow,” Blake smiled, “Louise, lychees, luscious.”

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Bachelors love puns and alliteration. If you can name a drink after yourself – that is the ideal end game. For example, “my name’s Alex, but you can call me Ale.”

Watch The Bachelor Australia on TV2 at 7.30pm Fridays, and on TVNZ Ondemand here

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