“A man named Troy LaRue found the story on social media, and made an uncomplimentary remark about Roberts’ appearance. Unluckily, he was summonsed to the court for unpaid traffic fines a few days later. Sitting at the bench that day? Judge Roberts.”
“It almost feels like the character he’s describing is a fictional “young person” invented in the mind of a self-justifying Baby Boomer who bought a Ponsonby villa for 14 cents and a sack of cheese, and is now desperately trying to convince himself it’s the kids’ own fault they’ll never be able to afford a house in the city they grew up in.”
“I stretched out my earlobe, promised myself an apology biscuit later, and jammed the earring straight into the scar tissue. Beauty is pain, a touch of blood running down the neck might really pop on camera.”
“For years now Auckland Police have pushed the idea that ‘nothing good happens after 3am’ – a phrase that in reality means very little, but to a person with limited knowledge of late-night culture passes for piercing insight.”
“She claimed that I looked like “an ugly fucker”. What? I should have turned the other ugly cheek. There’s a first time for everything. Instead, I sat down and composed a lengthy reply. It read, in full, ‘Oh, I get it: you’re a cunt.'”
“Auckland has a rich theatre culture! It’s affordable! It’s available! It’s existed before The Pop-Up Globe, existed during The Pop-Up Globe and will exist after The Pop-Up Globe. If you’re interested in a ‘theatre-centric’ Auckland, go and see theatre!”
“I remember frequently recruiting my mum to fight the bosses and particularly creepy monsters and barely being able to look while she did it. She actually got pretty good and it was so very lovely family bonding.”
“We need to remember that it’s the people of developing countries who suffer the most because of the lack of services, wholesale corruption and ceaseless conflicts which tax havens not just make possible but fuel. Wherever suffering and misery are at their worst, the stench of so called “tax havens” will probably be in the air.”
“When I call someone a bell-end, am I reducing him to his anatomy? No, I’m just telling him he’s an idiot. If I jettison cunt from my vocabulary, I’d have to abandon “twat” as well, and as a former Londoner you’ll take “twat” from my cold, dead hand (as it were).”
“It is hard to know how much the Government knew at the time. Perhaps they were simply negligent, but more likely they were a knowing accomplice in a climate crime. What we do know is that the Government knows now. Yet they are still holding up these dodgy credits as proof that we are meeting our international emissions targets.”
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The Spinoff Weekly compiles the best stories of the week – an essential guide to modern life in New Zealand, emailed out on Monday evenings.