Wtf did we just watch?
That sound you heard was a million furries screaming in ecstasy as their fantasy and everyone else’s nightmare came to life in the form of the first trailer for the live action version of Cats.
Is it live action if it’s CGI fur-covered actors singing Andrew Lloyd Webber songs? It’s an atrocity is what it is.
I have seen the musical theatre show of Cats exactly once, which was one time too many. I have blocked it out in the same way anyone blocks out trauma, but from what I remember there were some borderline sexy cats running around and singing.
I looked up what Cats was actually about and Wikipedia says this: “The musical tells the story of a tribe of cats called the Jellicles and the night they make the ‘Jellicle choice’, deciding which cat will ascend to the Heaviside Layer and come back to a new life.”
What. The. Actual. Fuck.
That Cats the Movie isn’t needed is clear, based on the fact that the original musical is so bonkers it’s impossible to work out why it was popular in the first place. Aside from the merits of making it at all, by the looks of the trailer this new version is an extremely bad trip – we’re talking ‘Hunter S Thompson shot out of a canon’ level insanity.
It makes The Human Centipede look chill.
Let’s start with this:
The cats have tits.
The cats have tits.
We don’t even have to move on from the tits at all, that could be this whole piece, but how about: They made the cats cat-size and the result looks like a bunch of furries jumping around oversized furniture.
It has Taylor Swift in it even thought she cannot dance or act.
It has James Corden in it which is a bit like getting a cold on top of gastro.
Rebel Wilson is in it so she can be Fat Amy as a cat.
Absurdly, Judi Dench is in it and so is Ian McKellen. Maybe the creators of this mess took their families hostage or something.
In the most alarming move for me, Idris Elba is in it. This is extremely sexually confusing. Especially after the whole Gorilla from Sing! thing. Do they really want a bunch of desperate horny moms wanting to bang a CGI cat that has Idris Elba’s voice and face? Was that intentional?
Look I have more questions and you will too after watching this.
Why is a cat wearing a fur coat on top of their fur. Is that a skinned other cat?
Is a cat wearing anal beads?
Why are cars wearing hats?
Does that mean the ones who aren’t wearing pants are naked?
Is that cat Harry Potter?
Did James Cordon spit into another cat’s mouth like a cat version of Disobedience?
“If you touch me you’ll understand what happiness is?” What in God’s name? Like pat her?
Is Tom Hooper a furry?
But of all the questions I have, my main one is: Why?
One final question, from The Spinoff’s Toby Morris:
Join The Spinoff Members for as little as $1 to help us hire more journalists and do more investigations. Or get a free Toby Morris-designed tea towel when you contribute $80 or more over a year.
The Bulletin is The Spinoff’s acclaimed daily digest of New Zealand’s most important stories, delivered directly to your inbox each morning.