Emily Writes dives once more into the frozen gaping maw of online news, so you don’t have to.
What a week! Boris is PM and he’s already fucked off the Queen by revealing the sweet nothings she whispered in his ear. He said the Queen told him privately: “I don’t know why anyone would want the job”. He then told everyone. I know so far three out of three of these internet news round-ups have been royal-related but it’s because Tally Fucken Ho that whānau is just drama city.
So let’s get all the batshit royal-related news out of the way first
An Australian TV host clearly in need of some attention has said his four-year-old son is the reincarnation of the late Princess Diana. So now if people say “Are you hoping for a boy or a girl?” you can say “I’m just hoping it’s healthy, and not a reincarnation of a long-dead royal”. David Campbell says his son Billy says he “used to be the princess”. He seems to be unaware that 95% of four-year-olds think they’re princesses.
Methgator: More Meth More Gator
Meth-gators is my absolute favourite story of the week. What’s not to love? Meth + Gators = perfect news story. A US police department is begging people not to flush drugs down the toilet in case gators get into them and get fucked up. Take the drugs instead don’t waste them on crocs y’all. In my opinion not enough attention has been given to the idea of a Meth-Goose. It would make an excellent horror film.
Introducing Vulva Blocks
Who knows who started the wild non-craze of shoving ice blocks up your toot schute but it was probably The Mirror with their headline: “Women warned not to put ice lollies in their vagina to cool off during heatwave”. If you think it’s weird that women are putting cold bits in their warm bits then it’s not nearly as weird as the fact that The Mirror and all of the other news media outlets that picked this up had no evidence anyone was actually doing this. That means someone, somewhere, just said “Damn, it’s hot – I wonder if anyone is putting ice blocks in their vag right now” and an editor somewhere said “COMMISSIONED”. All the news that’s fit to print indeed.
Childcare costs how fucking much in Australia?
A mother in Melbourne is talking about how she pays $262 a day. A DAY. That’s the whole story but it made my eyes bleed thinking about how anyone can afford that. Apparently they have childcare subsidies but my god I’d expect gold-plated dunnies for that price.
The That’s Bait best Clickbait of the Week Award goes to:
It’s a draw! Or rather – you decide. Two bait stories this week, which one will win?
The headline: Big issue with Princess Charlotte
Intro: Look closely at these pics and see what the problem is – it’s massive.
What you thought happened: Princess Charlotte was revealed to be two labradors in a trenchcoat.
What actually happened: She’s not allowed to wear pants apparently and this is….*reads batshit article*…basically the same as pissing on the grave of Susan B. Anthony. Asking the hard questions, the post includes a poll on what clothing a six year old should wear asking: Should Princess Charlotte be able to break royal tradition and wear shorts?
The headline: “Shock discovery inside woman’s scab”.
Intro: A former cheerleader has revealed how an odd-looking scab on her forehead turned out to be life-threatening.
What you thought happened: What was inside this woman’s scab? Was it a smaller, perfectly formed cheerleader with a scab on her head? Was it a previously unknown species of finch? Was it a snake covered in bees? Was it a lost like from Instagram?
What actually happened: It was skin cancer. Cancer was in the scab. Because she used sun beds.
— news.com.au (@newscomauHQ) July 25, 2019
Finally, the quote of the week goes to:
“It’s called Komodo Island so it will be only for komodos not for humans. There will be no human rights there, only animal rights. Whoever disturbs the dragons will be fed to dragons and will die.” Indonesia is closing Komodo Island for all of 2020 to protect its Komodo dragons. The Komodo National Park, between the islands of Sumbawa and Flores, had more than 176,000 tourists from all over the world in 2018. NO HUMAN RIGHTS ONLY DRAGON RIGHTS.
Remember when Sharon Stone got her husband a “private encounter” with a Komodo Dragon as a gift and the Komodo just went to town on him? Amazing. From a list of Komodo Dragon attacks that I’ve been reading before bed: “Bronstein survived the incident and did not press charges”. What were they going to do? Arrest the dragon? Try handcuffing one of those fuckers mate.
The Spinoff Weekly compiles the best stories of the week – an essential guide to modern life in New Zealand, emailed out on Monday evenings.