Every day in the leadup to Christmas, open the door to reveal a Spinoff writer’s short, sizzling commentary on a weighty subject. Our arbitrary and strictly enforced word limit: 365. Today: Emily Writes on why Christmas music is great.
Christmas music is a gift and you know it. Look, before you @ me: I worked at Farmers over the Christmas period when I was 19 and then again when I was 20. I’ve listened to ‘Snoopy’s Christmas’ many, many times in a retail environment. I know the pain. But the thing is — and this may be hard to accept, but it’s true — wage slavery should not steal your love of Christmas tunes.
Capitalism is terrible, but Christmas tunes are bangin’.
This is a fact.
Not all Christmas tunes are created equally, obviously. But some are just so good that they make up for the average ones (‘Snoopy’s Christmas’, ‘Baby, It’s Cold Outside’, ‘The Little Drummer Boy’). The Christmas Classics, Chrassics if you will, are obviously: ‘White Wine in the Sun’, ‘All I Want For Christmas Is You’ (Mariah’s version, though I’ll take any version, let’s be real), ‘Fairytale of New York’ (if you don’t sing the chorus drunk at the top of your lungs crying on Christmas Eve, who even are you?), ‘Must Be Santa’ covered by Bob Dylan (Bob Dylan’s only good song IMO) and Rob Halford’s cover of ‘O Come All Ye Faithful’ (for S&M Christmas lovers). Oh and Ronnie James Dio featuring Tony Iommi, ‘God Rest Ye Weary Gentleman’. I could go on forever and ever.
Don’t like these ones? There’s one for everyone. I’m a bogan so for my community we have many songs to have a heavy holiday to, including the treasure that is Twisted Sister’s ‘Twisted Christmas’. But there’s basically a Christmas album based on whatever music you’re into, from hip-hop to K-Pop.
All the best people (Alice Cooper) have done Christmas albums, even the people you liked but now don’t like because now we have Twitter and celebrities can’t stop outing themselves as massive chodes on there. Genuwine, creator of my wedding night song ‘Pony’, has a whole Christmas album. Even that singing goat Sam Smith has a Christmas song. Ludacris has a song called “Ludacrismas”.
If you can’t find even one Christmas song to love, that’s on you. You lack imagination and you’re boring. Saying you don’t like Christmas songs is like saying you don’t like ‘rock’ or ‘rap’. It’s too big a genre with too many contributing artists to do that. Be better this Christmas.
Read the Spinoff Hot Take Advent Calendar in full here
The Bulletin is The Spinoff’s acclaimed daily digest of New Zealand’s most important stories, delivered directly to your inbox each morning.